The year is at an end, & one that I wouldn't choose.

Tonight I start this blog through eyes filled with tears, often you hear the term 'misty eyed' this is not the case. The word 'misty' portrays a subtle tone of lightness, this is not that, this is heavy tears so thick I can barely see the screen. So then, why choose to write now, during this moment? Because I wanted to post to Facebok some deep, & depressing post about how this year is not ending how it should have! I want to lash out, & share my anger with everybody, but lately I have tried to edit my all to visible emotions. You know,save those for a quiet prayer with God, but I want to say it, I want it out of my head & heart, and on paper. I'm mad, I'm angry at how this year is ending. Yes, I love having grandma here, & I love the time with her, however not a month goes by that I'm not painfully aware of who should be in that room. Our home should be filled with children at year end. Three sons, filled with life, & hopes of a future. But instead we have my grandma, & her house guest 'Alzhiemers'. I don't look at her & see the promise of a bright future, I look and I see pain, confusion, & sighns of loss, so much loss. This is why I want to get it out, even as I write it it seems to contradict itself. I love grandma, but hate her disease. I am glad she is here, but wish we didn't have the room for her! I love looking in her eyes, but hate what I often find there. A walking contradiction I am. I just want my baby's back, I just want to hold them, & be able to dream of their futures. My heart aches in a way that no words comes close. I find myself mad at friends, & family for not saying what I want them to say. I want someone to grab my arm and say "Zaundia, I'm sorry! This is shitty! I'm angry this year ended the way it did. Im mad I didn't get to experience your twins life with you. I'm angry for you!!" I want people to stop being so damm nice, & reserved. I want someone to be livid with me, cry with me, shake their fist with me. So what does this post have to do with Alzhiemers ? Everything, & nothing.

Alzheimer's threw somthing at me last night....

Well, I say Alzheimer's, because I refuse to say that my grandma, threw something, and hit me last night. My mind knows it was the disease, in fact I had read that it can happen, but it catches you off guard when it first happens, because your looking at this familiar person, the person you love, yet you know it is not them. My grandma was refusing her medication, this was a first as well, she was scowling at me, and saying "Why should I listen to you, you are not my Dr!' I tried everything. I had my mom call her, and try to reason with her........ you can not reason with a disease. Then I called the nurse on call, and she said to deliver them at the other end, which is near impossible when she wont let you give her a hug, much less go that route! So at last, I had come up with an idea. If it was a Dr. she wanted,  it was a Dr. she would get. I called my sissy explained what I needed her to do, and soon Grandma's phone rang. I answered it in front of grandma, and said " Oh hi, Dr. Nelson, Opal? Oh yes she is here, just a minute." I handed the phone to grandma, where my sister pretended to be the Dr. explaining that she had sent her nurse (me) with her medication, and it was important she take it. After TWO full hours filled with things thrown, a hand raised, and my patience at its end, she got off the phone, and asked me kindly for her meds. She then proceeded to take them as if she had wanted to all along. You might wonder why are meds so important, just skip it if it becomes such a fight. Well when she has severe delusions if you don't give her certain meds she will stay awake all night talking to people who are not there, sleep the next day, and before you know it, nights turn into days, and days into nights. I am still reeling from it, my mind knows it was not her, yet my heart hurts so much. I hate the vacant look in her eyes, the distant behavior, and her ability to be so cold to me. It's a grief cycle of it's own. I just wanted a hug all day today, to be told it would be ok, to be reassured that it wasn't all for nothing. That she knows deep inside how much I love her, and what she means to me. What God is giving me the grace to do. So, if you can just say a prayer for her, and I, and this situation. For grace, patience, and a understandng that superseeds the reality that seems to be.

Give Freely, Love Deeply: Feeling a bit lost.....

Give Freely, Love Deeply: Feeling a bit lost.....: Today, I discovered that I got a 'D' on a quiz. I have been struggling with school due to all my responsibilities, but overall I am getting ...

It's been a while....

I have missed this, like confiding in an old friend you havn't seen in a while over coffee. It has been so busy latley, mini strokes, bowel trouble, head pain, medication trouble, and the list goes on and on. However, I have to say it also has settled into a nice routine. Her times up at night have almost become normal, as well as predictable. The other stuff falls in line, and gets cared for with a great team of Dr's and new medications. It all seems quite doable all of a sudden. I am getting extremley excited for Thanksgiving, realizing that this might be the last Thanksgiving with grandma. That is all for today, thank you God for all your many blessings, and graces.

The Business of Being 30: Creative Memories

The Business of Being 30: Creative Memories: I wanted to just do a post on Face book.... but surprise, surprise it was to long winded! I am really excited to announce that I am now a C...

"Help me"

Two nights ago, was the hardest night we have had since grandma came to live with us. I woke up to the words "Help me" I thought for a moment she must have fallen, but how can than be because I would of heard her? I ran upstairs, and there she was lying on the bed saying "Help me". I put my hand on her forehead, and rubbed her hair back (this always calms her) I asked her what was wrong, and she said "Mexicans are coming, and I think they typically burn women, the white men over there are looking away I don't think they will stop them." I assured her everything was fine and there were no people after her. I decided to sleep upstairs on the couch, as I typically do when she has bad nights. As soon as I layed down the whole process repeated itself. By the fourth time, I decided to try something new and sleep next to her. I crawled into bed, and rubbed her head. This motion calms me too for some reason. I put my palms gently on her forehead near her brow down, then I gently move my hand back till it fully pulls her hair back-till about mid head, I repeat this motion over and over. I notice her breathing changes, and she feels soothed. The reason I do it is, I pray over her mind daily, and this is a way of laying my hands on the area while praying. Once laying in bed she stopped calling for help, but she continued to be worried, and hold conversations. I would rub her head reassure her, and she would stop. This process would continue for about two hours, fortunately it became longer and longer in between each time I stroked her head. I felt Alzheimer's in a whole new way that night. I cant explain it adequately but it is as if I was in a room with ghosts. I lay there in the dark praying against these unseen people who tormented her. I knew they were not real, and yet for a moment I think I glimpsed the fear she must feel. I had this feeling that if I opened my eyes maybe I would see a ghost, someone there waiting to harm us. So I just prayed, and kept my eyes shut hoping against hope that these people real or imagined would go away. It was about four in the morning by now, and grandma was quiet, but she had rolled over towards me and held onto my arm. This seemed to calm her. At five I went to my own bed, then awoke at six to start the day. I found myself experiencing a feeling I hadn't quite felt before, at least not this strong. I wished that the Lord would take her. I saw first hand the demons this disease brings, and the fear that settles in the mind. I wanted peace for her, I want peace for her, so in that moment I prayed that God would take her, and that she would be surrounded by Angels instead. It is now two days since, and my selfishness has resumed and I am recanting what I prayed, and asking God for more time. The truth is, I find comfort in knowing that God is going to do what he does in his time, not mine. She is in his hands, and he will take her when he says its time not when i do. I love her so much, and I do pray that we never have a night like that again. For someone who has all their mental facilities such as myself i was horrified, even though I knew it wasn't real. Lord hear my prayer, for all that I have ever asked you, and trusted even when it was not answered, please give her peace.

The 36-hour day "Dementia"

I am going through the book (The 36-hour day)for a second time. I read through it very quickly when my grandma first came to live with us prior to "really" understanding what Alzheimer's is. Each topic, I will explain, and compare it to what we see with my grandma.
One of the greatest descriptions that I have seen is the following on p.g. 2 "Often, Mary was afraid, a nameless, shapeless fear. Her impaired mind could not put a name or an explanation to her fear. People came, memories came, and then they slipped away. She could not tell what was reality and what was memory of people past." This rings so true, it's as if they stole the words from my lips, only I did not know how to form them so I know they are not my own. This is one of the more painful scenarios of "Dimentia" it comes, and goes without warning, so you live with a constant fear never quite knowing what to expect. One thing it does not mention, is that the caregiver holds this same fear. As with many diseases, it oes not just affect the person diagnosed with it, but rather the family, and care giver as well. This fear is often the thing that keeps me from a restful sleep. When I go to bed I never know if that night will be the one that brings memories from long ago, or brings an uneasy feeling that causes her to stay awake as if on guard against a masked enemy.

Works cited: The 36-hour day by Nancy L.Mace, & Peter V. Rabins

Walk To End Alzhiemer's

This was our first walk to support this cause. It felt right, and needed. Alzheimer's needs both funds, and an increased awareness. Aids has more than SIX times the funding, and yet more people die from this disease than with Aids. I have to admit, that even I was in the dark as to what this disease is capable of, until my grandma came to live with us. Typically when you think of Alz, you are brought to a mental image of the Hollywood film "The Notebook", or of a commercial that shows an elderly person simply being forgetful. Oh if only this disease was only that. What you don't see is how much the victim's of this disease are tormented with visions, of things that simply are not real. Imagine you have one of your nightmares, where people are chasing you, and yelling at you. Luckily you can wake up in a sweat and realize that it isn't really happening, but with Alz that waking up in a sweat more often than not, does not happen. Many nights my grandma is both confused, and bothered by people, and scenarios that although are not real- are very real to her. It is hard on her, and hard to witness as the person who loves her.

I sat down with my grandma this morning before the walk, and we had a great talk. She asked me what inspired me to do this walk, and I told her she did. We hugged and cried together. Those moments although special are very hard, because she is aware enough to know what is happening, and to understand what is lost, or about to be lost. But she is a fighter, and a woman of faith, and that inspires me to be both as well. In a quieter moment, she held my hand after the walk and asked " Honey, is this disease contagious?" I told her NO, she squeezed my hand and said "Oh thank God." I knew in that moment she was expressing that she didn't want us to go through this. I love my grandma very much, and am grateful for this time of caring for her. I thank God for her daily, and was glad our family could walk to fight this ! Here are some more pictures. Also, I thank God for my husband, he has been a rock to me in this period of transition, it was a joy to walk together side by side....... with our quicker, wonderful boy a few steps ahead!

Dear Alzhiemer's ~ Letter 1

I hate what you have taken. I hate the disease that you are. You are my grandmas shadow, I can not look at her without seeing you, and what you have taken. This mornng was hard, you cause my grandma to forget just enough so that she wants to know why this is happening, but not enough so that she doesn't cry when I remind her of why. You fill her mind at night with images of scenarios long gone, of people who simply are not there, and it torments her. We are left to sift through what is reality, and what is the delusion you have ushered in. This Saturday I am joining a walk to End Alzhiemrs, to put a stop to the destruction you leave in your wake. You disgust, and anger me!
- A frusterated family member left to pick up the pieces

Prayers before my test

Just a short post, but one that is a special moment for me. Yesterday, I was on my way to the college for my first Biology test, I am sure grandma could tell I was nervous about it. On my way out of her room, she sat up, grabbed my hand, and lowered her head, and with eyes closed said " Dear Lord, thank you for this special woman, and please help her with her test, Amen." So sweet, I love you grandma!

Class Dismissed

Well it has been a long 48 hrs, grandma has been deep in an Alzheimer's rabbit hole. She has been talking to people who are in her room, and they have been talking back. From what I can gather she is teaching a dance class, I have told her that she is just dreamng, but this agitates her, so finally I asked them to leave. I included a link to a video below, the only way I could get the link was by putting it on YouTube, but I did not include names, and the video is of the dark room. It helped to record it because sometimes when she comes back, it feels as though it was all a dream that she is talking to non existent people. Once again I must say I hate this disease.

http://youtu.be/b0R4QsTcSrE

Her fall, my weakness

I am so glad I have this blog, its a journal of sorts. Last night was so hard, I am still reallying from it. I woke up to go to the bathroom around 1:00am in the morning, then SMASH, I ran upstairs hoping Elias fell out of his low bed like he has in the past, but no it was grandma she was laying on the floor with her head against the wall, she looks at me oddly because all I had was underwear on, because the house was so hot. I rush to her, and she says " These hose made me slip on the wood floor." Ugh, these are the new TED stockings I bought her per the Dr. orders for her falling orthostatic BP, why did I forget to take them off ?! I'm kicking myself internally while I am picking her up. At this point she couldn't shoulder any of her weight, and I do have a Hernia, but in moments like that you do what you need to do, I pick her up and lay her on the bed. I immediately checked for battle signs, they show up with head traumas" nice part of being a first responder years ago" luckily she had none, but when I pull my hand away from her head I felt it, then I look and sure enough its blood flowing out of her head. Remarkably she is not in pain, and about this time Enoch finally makes his way upstairs, by that time I was on the phone to 911, she wasn't in pain but why mess around with it? To be honest nothing really was mulling in my head at that point, I was just in a mode of lets get her to the hospital. Its now 1:30am shes doing fine, and I finally see the lights, no siren but just lights, the fire department, and ambulance were at my house. Now if you have seen the size of my house, or her bedroom for that matter, you'd realize that having 7 large men in her room suddenly makes you closter phobic. I was very confused, I told them about the metal rod in her neck, but yet they wanted her to walk to the gurney. I stopped them and told them I wanted her in C spine precaution. They didn't roll their eyes they simply said " good idea " good idea ? seriously? You are the professionals ! They grab a collar, place it on her neck, and decide that her 110 lb frame is small enough to carry to the gurney that is on the porch. Grandma says, " I feel like a baby" of course this with a smile. I know she likes attention, but Id prefer her not to have the attention of emergency personal ever again. I decided to follow them in the car, that is when the thoughts came, I'm alone following this ambulance, and all I could think was, what if shes coding in there and I don't know, maybe I should of gone in the ambulance, what if this is worst then we thought, what if, what if. Then I realized they didn't have their sirens on, and as long as it remained that way she was perfectly stable in the ambulance. Once in the ER grandma, is joking and being her feisty self. The Dr. walks in and ask " Opal, how did you fall?" She winks at him and says " Why, playing ball of course!" We all got a chuckle from that. She then proceeds to tell him that we chose the ambulance because " When in doubt, check it out." The Dr. agreed with that sentiment, and said it had enough of a ring to it that he thought he'd use that in the future. They wheeled her into a cat scan, and once back they showed me the back of her head, and said that it bleed so much because of her Aspirin, and the cut was so small no stitches were needed. Seeing the blood stream dried down the back of her head caused me to pause. The nurse left, grandma fell asleep, and the room kept getting smaller , and smaller, it got really hot, so hot I wanted to take of my shirt. Then I saw blood like that dried stream, down my ankle, the inside of my right ankle. I knew what was happening so I left the room and asked the male nurse to show me where I could go outside, He led me away but I started to hyper ventilate, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had a collard shirt on, but I didn't, my pulse sped up, and I felt weak at the knees. The nurse grabbed me, and he took me into a room explaining this isn't your fault, you need to breathe. He kept saying shes ok, this isn't your fault. It took me a good 3 minutes of gasping for air before I could tell him that I was having acute PTSD. This was the first time in a hospital room since I lost the twins. It was all coming back, when I saw the pattern of the way the blood had ran down her head it was the same pattern of blood I remember all to clearly running down the inside of my leg that morning in the hospital parking lot. He understood now, grabbed the Dr's attention because he wanted me seen. I start to come out of it, and all I could think was " you weak weak woman, your grandma is in their after a fall, and your in here crying." The Dr. didn't come in yet, I was able to stop crying and stoicly go back to her room. Luckily she was still asleep, she got to miss this display of tears. The Dr. walks into the room and says no, no please come back into the other room. I left the room with him, like a disobedient child staring at my feet. We go into the room, and we start to talk, and it all comes back, ugh something is choking me again, I see the blood on my ankle, wait no not my blood, but yes my blood just like the morning in the parking ramp, every sensation of that day came back, I could literally recall the feeling in my underwear, the fear, the pain, everything.The Dr. just sat there with me, slowly I came back, I was able to breathe better, the room got bigger again, it wasn't so hot. He looked at me and said " Listen I can tell your a very strong woman, but unfortunately you cant change the past, and I cant either. This is a lot, when you go home just process it." He assured me grandma was ok, and CT Scan was fine, I could go home. Wow that was a lot of emotion, then to just be told everything is fine, go home. I walked back in her room, still feeling ashamed that I wasn't as strong as she needed me to be, hugged her and told her we got to go home. Luckily she had mostly slept so she will probably never know about me, in the other room.Today I am still reeling, grandma is resting, a bit sore but much better than she could be. And I'm, well I am not doing so good, last night was hard, really hard. It opened so many emotions, ripped the scabs off of some of the wounds. Thank God for his grace and strength, I am going to need it, grandma needs it too.

What more could you ask for

It was a typical morning, the family busseling around, grandma sitting,watching. I sat next to her on the couch, and Enoch walked over to bring her a glass of water, and she said " What more could you ask for?" Enoch smiled and said "not much." Grandma admires our routine often, and reminds us of how blessed we are. If she was in our home for no other reason than to remind us how truly blessed we are , then it is all worth it.  =)

Opal~isms

Opal~ism: A word or phrase used often by my grandma, a little piece of wisdom, or humor.


Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

What will be, will be.

You only have one life.

A higher education is the highest paying job you'll ever have.

Be vital.

If you always pick your friends, from people you wouldn't mind being like, then you'll never go wrong.

Sometimes women think they need to see a counselor,when all they really need is to buy some pretty underwear.

We don't know the end of the story yet.

I asked her, " Grandma, what would you say to someone who doesn't want to do their homework?" " I'd say TOUGH! No I can do one better, I'd say TOUGH TITTY!"

Oh their are so much more than what I wrote right here, it has been a joy, and a blessing to care for my grandma, and have her live in our home. I hope to update this frequently to make sure and capture it all. I want to end by sharing what she said yesterday.
" Z.Z. I am not afraid to die, to me dying is as much a given as being born. To me life is a book, and I have had many,many great chapters, but I know it needs to come to an end. I just want to make it to 90, then we can close the book." Grandma your not closing anything just yet! " I know, but anything past 90 is just gravy honey." I love, and respect this women, and thank God for these moments.

Alzheimer's you may be winning a battle, but you WILL NOT win the war.

Escapes

Well it's been tough, and it's not looking up. I returned from my 4 day trip to L.A to hear from my hubby that grandma was talking about Don Cumley again. It is really interesting actually, every time she slips with her cognition it is always marked by memories of Don, and it always involves a fear that De, and Susan (my mom) are off with him, and his new wife. It really got me to wondering if Alzheimer's is like dreams. It's often been an idea that our dreams are way of showing us unresolved situations, and or emotions. So what if Alzheimer's does the same thing, and when her mind slips those unresolved emotions are brought to the for front ? It really got me to thinking if that is so, then what would my dementia look like if I had Alzheimer's.... for me since I have not reconciled why I am loosing baby after baby, I imagine if I don't find peace with it my days would be filled asking people where all my baby's are, and why they left. Avery sad thought, but a thought process nonetheless. What if we all asked ourselves that ? You know I have always made my decision's by asking myself what will I regret when I'm 90 ? For instance, every time I loose another baby, and the Dr. offers a glimmer f hope, Enoch and I ask each other " Can we do this again? Or should we just walk away ?" And inevitability we both come to the conclusion that at 90 we would only regret not trying again, rather than think oh we tried to much. Well maybe this should be another guide post in our self examination " What have I not resolved within my heart, and soul, that if left dorm it would haunt my mind when I am older?" Maybe I am over thinking it, but I just cant help shake how real and founded her fears are- if he was still alive. She calls these her "escapes" she will ask me why Susan is with her dad, I explain that he is dead, and she comes back and says " oh honey, thank you for reminding me, I just have these escapes, and they feel so real." A troubling scenario whether real or imagined is still troubling.

My first time away

So tommorow I fly out to my cousins wedding with my son. I am excited, and I KNOW my grandma will be well taken care of, but I cant shake this new mom feeling ! I remember the first time I spent overnight away from my son when he was a toddler, and all the feelings, thought, and fears swarmed my head. " Will he understand why I am gone, and not at home with him, will he be ok with me being gone this long, did I leave all the info for the person watching him, oh did I get out EVERYTHING he needed ? " It whent on, and on so I was rather surprised to find  I am having the exact same feelings with my grandma. It logically makes sense that I would think those things, but its still hard to wrap my mind around feeling them for my 89 year old grandma who changed my diapers at one point. When did this happen ?

The words you don't want to hear

It happened again, my grandma woke up talking to people who went there, getting angry at things that simply were not happening, and talking about Don again as if he were alive. I didn't get as alarmed this time, after all last time it was due to an infection, surly she had an infection again, it had to be. The day progressed last Wed and it worsened, it wasn't a " moment " of dimentia, it was the whole day and into the night. The nurse came over, and took a urine sample, and the Dr. Prescribed antibiotics until the test came back. Simple as 123, infect early the next morning she was herself again, and I marveled at how fast this new antibiotic worked. And then it happened around 3:00pm in the afternoon the Dr. Called and said the results were back, and " she did NOT have an infection. "?you would think that's what you would want to hear, but not so ...... This meant that the 24hrs of dimentia was not due to anything other than her disease, their is no miracle pill, no antibiotic that will ( take it away )this was simply another part of this horrid disease. I literally felt like someone had socked me. The Dr. Said that it could of been so bad due to her pain, or the pain killers, and that it's not uncommon for someone to have a block of dimentia like that, for 2hrs, 4 hrs, or even 24hrs. In that moment I got incredibly angry, angry at everything that had to do with this thief of a disease. I thought of the movie " The Notebook " and how they romanticized it. Their is nothing pretty, or Hollywood about it ! One moment I have my grandma, and the next I don't. I ended up walking outside to sit on the step, I needed fresh air, and I thought about death, and aging, a fear came over me. I'm a Christian, and I believe in heaven but in those moments it angered me just the thought of how you can die in an instant without warning, or you can die slowly falling apart bit by bit. I thought about the twins we lost this year, and how it felt to fight something you can't see, the futility of knowing that no matter what I did what would be would be, and how I was feeling that same futility again. No pill, no treatment, it's just the way it is, whether I like it or not.

Lightening, Christmas bells, & tears

I don't really know how to begin writing this since it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. These past two weeks have been very hard ! It feels like part f a lifetime was squeezed into such a small time frame, bur only because things came full circle in such a short period of time. Two weeks go my grandma was diagnosed with " features " of Parkinson's . That morning was horrible, grandma was told not only that the shaking wouldn't go away, but that it may worsen. Seeing the look on her face of complete helplessness was gut wrenching. I'll stop right here to say I might be repeating myself from prior blogs, to be honest I don't know what emotions, or feelings I've written before, all I know is that as I feel them I write them, and I can only imagine that this journey will stir up many of these emotions frequently. That day I thought could not get any worse, only it did..... Much worse. Later that day grandma became severely disoriented. She accused me of things, became angry, and it happened so quickly I really had no clue what Was happening. That night grandma was up saying she was entertainig people, and talking about the depression. My husband looked at me at 4:00am and said " I thought Alzheimer's was a progressive disease ? But their is NOTHING progressive about this. This morning she was normal and right now he is not." The following morning she looked so tired, and said " Z.Z. Help me find the plug for the radio, I can't turn it off !" grandma their is no radio, " Well I don't mind the talking, but the music is bothering me, so please help me find the plug. " grandma you were dreaming, their is not a radio in your room, their never was. She looks at me and she comes back for a moment and says very intently " I'm loosing it arent I ? " at this point I made an appt. With the Dr. Something was not right. This was a very dark time for me, I say God have her go in your timing, but those few days showed m that I did not mean that. I wanted more time with her, not more time with Alzhimers but more time with HER, my grandma ! I was not ready to have this disease take her mind. This disease infuriates me because your fighting an invisible enemy. If a robber came to your house, you'd have a very tangible thing to ran after with a bat, all the while yelling " get out, you don't belong here, this is NOT your property! " Well that's how I feel, I want to run after this invisible assailant and tell it it's not welcome here ! Luckily the Dr. Appt showed she had an infection that worsens Alzheimer's, and completely throws them off. The Dr. Turned to me and said " You'll have your grandma back in 48-72 hrs, antibiotics will help a lot. " whew I was so relieved, and sure enough as the antibiotic did it's job, my grandma came back slowly, but it was so hard, because I had a glimpse into what the future might bring as this disease progresses. So now we are dealing with Lightening, & Christmas Bells, let me explain. Grandma is very good at explaining what her pain is like, she is very descriptive, & it helps, it helps me to know how best to care for her, and the nurses understand what she means every time. Right now she is dealing with horrible headaches which feel like " lightening is striking in my head. " and she fell on her bottom, and sprained her muscle in her bottom, and the muscle hurts very bad, and after pain medicine feels like " Christmas bells, are ringing, & causes the pain to echo. " And as for the tears ? Surprisingly, and thankfully they are not hers, but mine. Its hard, really hard I don't know how to have my heart open so much to love her, and care for her in the way she needs, and deserves with ought feeling such pain for what she's going through, an loosing bit by bit. Hopefully I will find the balance. I just know I love her so much, and God is in control, beyond that their are no more answers, even though I still look for them.

Fragmented

My grandma is not doing well, her stats are all over the place, & I have noticed a huge decline in mental clarity during this time. I hope the clarity returns, once she gets better, but it may not. I have a new friend, who has been such a blessing to me, as not only do I truly enjoy her company, but she too was a mother to small kids, & took care of her mother in law who had Alzheimer's , she has shared so many helpful things, but once she told me how her mom in law would " fragment " her. So she would ask her, " Where is the nice lady who cooks for me ? " or " Where is the lady who does my hair ? " I told my friend my grandma was not near that stage, she was VERY with it. Oh how things change so quickly. She has begun to fragment me, & my marriage. The hard part, is it jumps back to reality in a split second. EXAMPLE - Today she says " That couple that was here this morning are such a good couple, they work so well together. " grandma what couple ? " The ones here early in the morning. " oh you mean that couple ( finger pointed to a picture of Enoch & I ) " Yes that couple. " my heart plunged, no not now, I'm here, but then back to being lucid she says " You and your husband are ready for any strife, I can tell. " you mean ( life ) " No, you both care for each other, you can tell your prepared for any strife that comes your way. " then suddenly she starts to talk about her ex husband, and shared how sad she was that they couldn't make it. I said grandma, that must be sad, but look what came from that love ( pointing to the pictures of my mom, & aunt ) she smiled, and said that's true. I said you can regret situations, but you can never regret loving someone grandma. She smiled & said " just don't ever flip your middle finger, at your spouse & tell them you don't care. There that's it from me, no more marriage advice from me. " I'm racking my brain, sorting Dimentia from her, thinking what of that was my grandma ? I guess no one can tell me for sure, for the mind is a funny, yet cruel thing, so I just took away from it what I could. 1. She recognizes, Enoch's & my love, & senses it's strength. 2. She saddened over the loss of her love. 3. She doesn't want it to happen to me so she's saying don't ever ( figuratively flip the bird ) to someone you love. I hope tomorrow she is better, & I'm not the lady on the wall. But if so, the person sitting next to her KNOWS her, & loves her regardless of who I am to her in that moment.

Grandma, no more tears

Grandma, the past few days have been rough, fainting, and horrible headaches that you don't understand, or deserve. I gave you your strong pain killer, but you refused to lay down, because you don't like that your body is defying you. I understand it more than you know, I saw the tear you tried to hide before I gave you your medication, and that is ok I see a woman who is amazing, and strong, not weak like you fear we see you. You are sleeping now because the couch that you sit on as a stubborn statement to your ailments is actually a recliner, I pulled the lever, so you now lay sleeping, feet propped up. Ive kissed your head, and I swear I saw you smile, and in my office I turned on my praise music, since you were sad you could not go to church. The first song on my playlist was " Their will be a day " by Jeremy Camp, I walked back in to make sure its not to loud for you, and you look so at peace, the tears gone, your dignity intact, because after all you are NOT in bed, and you have a slight smile on your face. I love you, we will get through this, God carrys us.

PS Grandma it's ok to lay down in the morning, you are still you, fighting off this stripping disease.

I love you ~ Z.Z.

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel youre walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul dont lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty thats in store
Outweighs the hurt of lifes sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I cant wait until that day where the very one
Ive lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that Ive faced
To touch the scars O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

She called me Susan .....

My grandmas memory, comes & goes like the wind. Some days she tells stories of fond childhood memories, and other days, I repeat the same thing 10 times. It's ok, and I take it in stride, she has Alzheimer's after all. I knew that, and I know as it progresses it will worsen, but I did not expect it to happen so rapidly from just one month ago, to today. It started this week, about once a day, but today she keeps calling me Susan, and even confused the nurses, when she kept referring to me as Susan. Susan is my mother, and although your mind knows " This is apart of the disease Z, get used to it ! " My heart feels somthing different. I spoke with someone who knows about Alzheimer's, and they asked If I look like my mother did, when she was my age, and that may be why, well people seem to think so........ Picture below

But the point is, I'm not ready for her to forget my name, she has always said I am like a daughter to her, but she still calls me by my childhood name " Z.Z. short for Zaundia Zamar. I'm not ready grandma, I am Z.Z. the same one who loves you, listens to you, prays for you, and cares for you.

My son overheard me telling my mom this, so he came up to me , and said " Mom she does know your name !" I said Elias what do you mean ? " Well, I just asked her what my mothers name was, and she said Z.Z. Mom, why is that bad ? Well honey,  her memory is getting worse. Well how come she has tons of cool stories? " Honey it comes, and goes. " Mom, why does it make you sad ? " Elias, you know I love you right ? " Yes. " What if you came to me tomorrow, and I called you George ? " Well I think I would faint ! Why haven't you fainted mom? " God honey, God. I said do you want to pray with me Elias ? " God please help grandma Opal remember things, and please help my mom know that grandma knows her name, Amen. "

What can you say ? I don't know what to feel really, but God does keep me from " fainting " :) And I have a son whom I love very much, he knows my name, and I know his, but what I will rely on most in this is that God knows my name. Someday if you read this Elias, know that I love you so much, their is not a word in the dictionary for what I feel for you .

What to say ?

This week has been hard, I don't so much know what to verbally say, but rather Physically EXHALE. This week was filled with ups, & downs. People will ask me, " Oh, I thought you said she was fine ? " but what they don't realize, and frankly neither did I going into this, is that old age, coupled with Alzheimer's disease, changes you from day to day. Hell, I am still wrapping my mind around what thevmorning will hold. This week we did her Will, it needed to be done while she's of sound mind, but who wants to do that ? Not me ! To face your mortality with a pen & paper seems cold, but necessary . She was so glad when we finished it, with all family members agreeing, infact, she laid down and said " Now I feel like it's all ready, I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm ready, and I can be at peace. " I wanted to say " ready for what, listen here grandma, just because we did your will does NOT mean any of us are ready, for you to die, give up, or be relieved, you name it ! I knew that's not what she meant. It was my own fear that wanted to say those things, but I held the pen detailing her final wishes for her demise,and I am the one to find the lawyer to put it in stone, but I don't want her to die, I don't want her rocking chair! I want her. Yes I sound 3, and truthfully I love her so much, that my prayer is that she goes peacefully in the night, but not now, my son is getting to know, and love her. I'm seeing glimpses of MY grandma, the advice that comes with wisdom & age. So between the will, falling down, falling BP, severe headaches, and her short term memory worsening, I say " not now grandma, not now." Yes God is in control, but my prayer is God not now, give her more fight, give her your grace, and have it fall on our household, because God I'm not ready to let go of this woman you put in my life.

" Grandma, do you know what a Eskimo kiss is ? "

My son, is very much into his personal boundaries, he always has, and we have chosen to encourage it, and respect it. He is fine with a kiss, but only on the cheek. And I am fine with that as well, but I like to look at his eyes, so I long ago showed him the " Eskimo kiss " where you look someone in the face, and rub noses.
One evening, I gave him one before bed, he looks over at grandma, and says " Grandma do you want an Eskimo kiss ? "  " Well I don't know, what is an Eskimo kiss ? " " It's when I rub noses with you, instead of kiss you on the lips."  '" Well ok, I will have your Eskimo kiss ( said with a smile ). "

I often think of him as my little Angel, but the window light, just seemed to agree with me that day =)

" You can cry in your heart, but a Ball game, is a Ball game ! "

Ok first a disclaimer

Its the morning of the 4th of July, and yes the house is a mess, because I'm deep in a sowing project, and were just having fun !

Ok, I don't even know how to write this blog, because it isn't so much a conversation, as much as a game of bad mitten, with good advice, and interesting interactions, so bare with me =). First I have to say that my son is a SORE loser. It's a trait that Enoch, and I have BOTH worked on, and had hoped little league in the past would improve his sportsmanship, but in Kindergarten I found the coaches, to be glorified enablers. Not really looking to teach your 6 yr old a life lesson. So here is my grandma, P.E coach, who's husband taught college sports, giving my son a lesson that he has yet to get from us. Game begins, first swing of the Birdie, and she returns it....... oh here it is, his face starts to pout, and he starts complaining. In her listen hear arm movement, she gives him some good advice, but before i give the dialogue you must see the pic of her arm gesture ready for her, to lecture  my son =)

So, the hand is here and in a coach's voice of stern direction she says " Listen here young man, you can cry in you heart, but a Ball game is a Ball game. And if this were a game Id bench you for that kind of face. So are you ready to play ball like a big boy ? " He stands up and says ok. ( REALLY ) We cant get him to do that but my 89 yr old grandma can ? I think its great, but I'm am still baffled. Ok another picture below.

So now, with his game face on, he serves the Birdie, with every bit of confidence. But my grandma hits it back, and hes unable to keep it in play. So he apparently kind of learned his lesson, because his face is appropriate from grandmas instruction, but he starts his pity party dance complete with the flopping of his legs, and arms. grandma gets his attention " Listen hear, now come and look in my eyes. Your opponent will know your off your game if you start standing like that. What you do, is you get back in the game, and stand like a Bull ! It's all in the stance, now go get em " So he gets his stance of the bull =) and sure enough he serves the Birdie, and grandma failed to return it. But grandma following her own advice says " See I told you, get your composure, get your stance, and your ready to beat anybody ! So the game is now 9-11 in Elias favor, he says uh oh that worries me, your getting to close to my score. Grandma says " You should be worried, cuz here comes the tiger ! " a few swings later the game ends, Grandma wins Elias was a bit sad, but he did walk taller, and with good sportsmanship gave grandma a high five.

PRICELSS

" Isn't it great to have a man around the house. "

I wish I had a picture of my grandma , and my husband together, but I don't as of yet. Soon though, soon. A little back story first. My grandma is divorced, it happened in her fifty's, and not of her choosing. I don't think she regretted it, but she has always valued the role a man has in the home. My mother is divorced, and my aunt was as well, but now re married. So when I married my husband she said " Try and keep him Z.Z., having a man around, just changes the dynamic for the better. " I should also mention that my grandma has always been beautiful, and never re married. She had the occasional boyfriend but nothing ever came of it. Which I think saddened her a bit. Some woman are born recognizing the need for a man, others are not. My grandma falls into the first category.
When she first moved in with us, I was intent on her liking Enoch, and vice versa. I know that this arrangement in our home would NOT work if that did not happen. Soooooo I helped stack the deck a bit =) Two examples. 1; Grandma was very bothered that the TV had broke, and she asked me EVERY 30 minutes when we could fix it, but I couldn't figure it out. Enoch woke up early the next morning to try and fix it, but to no avail. I tried once more, and Walla ! Fixed ! So I told him to go tell gramma he fixed the TV, Enoch said " But you did. " I told him no worries, it will make her happy. So sure enough he walks in, and says " Hi grandma, guess what, you have a working TV today." She gives him a hug, then a high five, and looks at me and says " ZZ isn't it GREAT to have a man around the house ! " 2; Enoch loves to fish, and much to his dismay, I HATE eating fish, so the poor hunter and gatherer, is met at home with slain animals in hand, with a wife, who has a look of disdain on her face. Poor Enoch ( insert violin musoc here ). So he asked grandma " Do you like fish ? " Grandma said " Oh I LOVE fish! " And their it began, the beginning of my husbands love for my grandma, well not really because he has a heart of gold, but if you had seen his face, you'd think his expression would of come with its own background music ! " Good Grandma, cuz I'm going fishin today, and I WONT come back till we have dinner." So he gets back, and says " Honey I don't know what to do, I didn't catch any fish, but my friend gave me two of his, what should I tell her?" Me still wanting things to go great, I say " Hey you told her you'd have fish for dinner, just tell her you caught them. " UH -OH, he walks in and says " Grandma look what I caught us for dinner! " And then it happened. she started into song, not figuratively, but LITERALLY, with a low 1940's voice sang " Isn't it great to have a man around the house, Isn't it great to have a man around the house. " Very cute, especially if you heard it, but now hes looking at me like ( Now you ? ) When Enoch and I got alone he was still very high on the fact he was just sung about, I said listen honey I love you dearly, but enjoy this while you have it, because you will not find me singing that song to you anytime soon !
So the two have gotten along famously, she is the Grandma he always longed for, and well, he's the man of the house. She said to me the other day, " Z.Z is it weird to just enjoy watching your family ? " I asked her what she meant. " Well the whole thing, you all hugging before he goes off to work, the little squirt being carried by his dad, and you making dinner, just all of it. " No grandma that's not weird, family is a great thing. " You know your blessed don't you ? I just think every boy needs a dad, and you got a great one right there. " Am I jealous ? No I am not, because somehow, it took my 89 year old grandma with Alzheimer's to point out just how much, I am blessed, and quote how great it is to  " Have a man around the house. " ~ Z

PS. I am still maintaining , that I will not sing of his glory any time soon, but I will respect, love, and appreciate him  =)

You can't go wrong, with a name like Ella !

I have a wonderful friend, who has possibly the cutest little girl you have ever seen, both in character, and her sweet smiles. My friend had to drop something off at the house, and she brought her daughter with her. Her daughters name is Ella, I had completely forgotten that my grandmas only sister was named  Ella. Mostly because she seldom talks about her to me. But boy oh boy, did my grandmas eyes light up when she saw this little girl, then even brighter when she heard her name! She turned to me, and said " My sisters name was Ella, you don't hear it often, but you can't go wrong with a name like Ella ! " She continued to watch her play with the dog, and of course make her little smiles. It was a quick trip, but that 10 minute visit opened up many memories, that my grandma had never shared. So I would say we were BOTH blessed by little Ella's visit. After they left she had a smile but a distant gaze, as if reminiscing something. I asked her about her sister, and she said " I loved my sister, but I felt bad for her as well." I asked why. She said " Well I was the youngest, and my sister was born the second child out of six, and for some reason no matter how hard she worked it never seamed to make Dad happy. I wouldn't say he hated her, but it was as though nothing she ever did, was good enough. And when I was born I was very sickly for years, and my sister had to pick up the slack. It was her job to take care of Opal, and do my chores. You would of thought she resented me for it, but she didn't, and that's why I had so much respect for her. She loved me, I always felt it." Her sister is gone now, but I have always heard story's of her five brothers, but not so much of Ella so it was nice to have a quick glimpse into the love shared between them. I walked away with aloft of respect for for her sister, to know that what you do is never good enough, and to do your sisters chores, but  never take it out on her, and still show compassion, and love. That is a great thing, and a great sister. These small glimpses into her life are wonderful. So thank you to the 2 yr old, cute as a button Ella for allowing this brief moment of a time long gone by. ~ Z

Sorry, been lying down after two leg surgerys, so your about to get 5 blog post in ONE day ! Got to catch up though before I forget =)

The " Patient ", caring for the " Patient "

So, I had a Phlebectomy yesterday, and came home with ace wraps from foot to thigh. It did hurt, not horribly, but hurt nonetheless. Now the other day I shared our emotional exchange, and my goal to not let my grandma worry, but in that exchange, I had let her in my pain for a moment. However that day, it was a personal, & deep exchange discussing love,loss, and the pain in your heart. My now throbbing leg, was not the same ! So when I walked in following my procedure, I was escorted by a friend, which made my grandma so happy because she was able to see a glimpse of the amazing support system our family has. But once Jen left the concerned face, with her iconic furrowed eyebrows began. " Z.Z that looks horrible you must be in a lot of pain ?! " No grandma, actually it feels pretty good.  " Really ? " Oh yes, the bandages are for pressure, and that's what keeps the pain away, you know from your P.E days what a wonder they are. (Her big smile remembering being a P.E. teacher ) " Oh yes, that would be right wouldn't it, those simple bandages do a world of good. Now how can I help you ? " Now the books, home health nurse, and her Dr. have told me I NEED to make her feel useful, she needs to KNOW she is needed. Now here is the tough part, we were all taught as children to respect our elders, to do for them, help them, mow their lawns, etc,  but yet here I am . I am supposed to ask my 89 yr old Alzheimer's grandma to  fold my laundry .......... big mental hurdle to be jumped here. Everything I/we were ever taught has to be re- aligned. Well grandma, I do have one load of laundry  you could fold . ( Her brow furrows ) " No ! How can I help my sweetie, what can I do for YOU ? " ( Thinking really fast )  Well grandma, the arch of my foot is a bit numb from being propped up, it would really help if you rubbed it. " Oh yes, now that I CAN do " Her look was so intent, so motherly as if I was 5 again, and had fallen off my bike, and needed an owie rubbed =) I included the photo below. We make quite the Duo actually, I lay their for a bit smiling, and she sits their contentedly, knowing that she has helped me, in some small way. I am up a bit more than the Dr. would like, caring for my grandma during this small recovery, but I doubt I will die from a little extra leg pain.I'm figuring out, that it IS possible to be needed, and need at the same time. ~ Z

gma ask Enoch " what was the high of today ? " Well my day was boring ! " That's normal, but what was the tempature ? " :)

Special moment of grandma teaching Elias

My Grandma, the ETERNAL teacher !

My son, had just went online to PBS.ORG & looked at a " how to guide " on how to draw one of his FAVORITE cartoon characters Arther. He came in and showed us, and frankly I was astounded, I had never seen him draw like that, and neither had my grandma. My grandma said " Bring your drawing over here for a minute, I want to show you something." When he did, she grabbed the pencil as if it was 30 years ago, about to correct a paper, and she says " Now it's important to ALWAYS sign your name to any paper, or work you do. " Elias shows off a bit, and writes his name in cursive which was self taught. She leans in, and says " And when it's REALLY special like this one, you can do this." She then drew a big heart around his name, Boy oh boy did that ever make my son happy =)

He starts to get up, when she says " Oh no no you aren't finished yet. " Elias looks puzzled and said " I'm not ? " again, the teacher comes out and I marvel at how Alzheimer's can take MANY things away but teaching was so much apart of who she was/is, that it is VERY apparent. she says " Now you can't just sign your name, you need to write the date at the top. " Elias smiles, and said " Would it help if I put the time down too? " She winks at me, then at him, and says " Well sure, nothing says you can't do that "

So, below is the picture, it might as well of been Picasso for all the attention we gave it =)

But it was truly a special moment, because in that instant, she was not just an " Alzheimer's patient "

She was a grandma, great grandma, and a teacher.

Now was I lying when I said this is good ? I think it is, but alas I am his mother =) ~ Z

A very special moment

As many of you know, we lost our twins sons Ezekiel, and Lucas 3 moths ago. It was hard to navigate that with my grandma, for as long as I remember she had been my confidant, my listening ear, the one that would tell me it would all be ok. However as her disease has progressed, I have been very careful to not worry her, becasue it upsets her. Example, once when she called I had horrible Bronchitis, and I couldnt hide the coughing, she was INSTANTLY worried, but I told a white lie, and said " Oh it's, only allergies " which instantly made her feel better. So when my mother told her we had lost the babys, I of course got calls daily from her. I would see the phone ring, pause, brace myself, and put a smile on my face ...... as if that would somehow be seen through the phone. Now I would never lie during that time, I was just selective, so when she asked me how I was doing, I would say " Oh grandma, I have such an AMAZING support system, and Im really relying on my faith, and am reminded daily of the blessing that my son is ! " Now that was the truth, however I chose to leave out the part that night after night I was sobbing with an intensity that I couldnt even from the words, all I could do was cry or moan. And that my heart and womb ached for what had been lost, dreams nightly of the men I would never know, a full thanksgiving table that wouldnt be. So when I did tell her these positive things she would say " Oh honey, thank you, I NEEDED to hear that, Im glad your ok. " And so this whent on for weeks, her calling, me putting on my brave face, all the while desperatley wanting to just sob, and tell her all about it, and have my grandma from 10 years ago back, the one that would assure me and tell me it would all be ok. But I didnt, I thought being a good grandaughter is not giving her added worry that she does NOT need. So yesterday I was caught off guard, becasue ussually her questions are general, such as " How are you doing today " , and they are over the phone so you can mask your true responses. (( Im going to put the exact dialogue so I will only put "" marks when shes talking.)) " Z.Z. , can you come over here for a moment, I want to ask you a question. " Sure grandma ABSOLUTLEY , but then I notice her intense gaze, and I wonder what this is about. " I have noticed in your scrapbooking room you have things lining the walls, and stacked high, but you have one place under your window empty, why " Ok, so Im thinking should I tell her, where will this end up, if I get teary I wont be able to hide it. But their was somthing differant she was leaning in close and gazing very intently at me with a very DIRECT question. Well grandma, we bought this house, after we lost our son Matthew, and it was really hard to stare at an empty room when we all knew what could of/ should of filled it. My counselor encouraged me to make the room into somthing so it wouldnt be a constant reminder of what I DONT have. " Thats wise, your very smart to get counseling " ( side note she used to be a school counselor ) " But you still havnt told me why you have one wall empty ? " Well grandma I was fine fillling the room, but I wanted to make space for my hope so that wall will remain empty leaving room for a crib. " That makes sense, it is important to keep those hopes we have alive, isnt it ?" " On that note I cant help but notice how well you have done, you lost your babys a few months back but your so peacful, at least from what I have seen. " " Do you have moments, when you arent, now be honest with me " UH-OH be honest ?? How honest ? What happened to being a good grandaughter means sparing her from hurting for me ? But this was not somthing I could hide, she was still intently looking at me, as if she was trying to read my heart , and soul. Grandma no, I am not always like this, their are days like today when I have a rough patch. " Really what happeneed today ?" Starting to well up with tears at this moment, trying to not break down into full blown sobs. Grandma I whent to TJ Max, and I passed by a diaper bag, the PERFECT diaper bag ! I had been looking for one, days before , well actually THE day before I lost the baby, and I couldnt find the right one, I wanted a pretty one " she smiles " I wanted one that could pass for a purse. And today I FOUND THE ONE ! It was normally $ 150.00 high end bag down to 59.00 it was leather with flowers. " So what did you do with it " I stood their and cried silently trying to hide it from other customers clenching it thinking that it SHOULD be mine, I should be needing it soon very soon but instead I didnt. I wanted to buy it anyways! " So why didnt you ? " Well their is a fine line between buying things for my hope , and dream, and moving on and saying " next time ". See grandma I have alot of stuff . " What do you mean ?" I have a hope box of baby things I have bought along the way, and maybe if the bag had been $ 30.00 I would of bought it, but I decided I had better wait, not smart without a job to buy somthing you dont NEED. " So then what did you do ? I dried my tears and marched my way over to the purse area, and bought myself a sparkly $14.00 purse ! =) " See thats why your so peacful ! " Hey wait a minute what ?? Crying, and loosing it over a diaper bag at TJ MAX is peacful- of course thougth in my head didnt say that part out loud. " Z.Z. you could of continued to cry, and ran out of the store, but instead you put your chin up & got a purse " " See I think youve figured it out, it hasnt been easy but watching you, I can see youve found a way to live & move on in a peacful manner " Thank you grandma ! I love you ! " I love you to, I ALWAYS have. " Z.Z. , you mentioned a hope box, do you mind if I see it ? " ( At this point my cards are on the table shes seen the tears, and shes not visibly bothered so I decided to show her ) Sure grandma, just a second. I put it on the table , and she just smiled, she said "I notice its all pink "~ said with a wink. Yeah grandma running theme their huh ? =) She pulls them out ever so gingerley first the little beaded size 2 mini pink ballet shouse fit for a princess, her smiles getting bigger and more frequent, then my garage sale fine of a smocked pink frilly thing. she turns to me, and said " You know I always knew you wanted a baby, that was obviouse , but I guess I NEVER knew HOW much it meant to you. " This really is a hope, and dream for you isnt it ? Yes grandma it is, I also feel its a promise in my heart, I dont know what more I need to go through to get their but I will, I know it will happen. " I think its great, Im glad that wall is empty, and I am so glad you shared your box of hope with me. " " I dont know why this keeps happening to you, but I know your a good gal, and you are really lucky with this kiddo you have here. " " I think after listening to you I think it will happen for you too, just keep your head up youve done great, and jsut keep that peace. " Thank you grandma. " Isnt it nice to talk about it ?" Yeah it was nice, sorry about the tears grandma. " Honey it's ok we all need to from time to time, the point is is you go forward, and that what your doing.  I willl NEVER forget this conversation as long as I live. And since I talked about that stupid tear inducing bag I am posting a pic below , SILLY SILLY ~ Z

Thanks alot Mr. !!

To help grandma stay in touch, my mother sent postcards to all of my grandmas friends, saying she has moved, and included her new address. However today she got her FIRST letter back from an old colleague, you should of seen the JOY on her face, its was priceless. It showed her that her friends had remembered her. However that look of joy left instantly as she read, so I asked her if I could read it with her. Her Friend had somehow thought it best to tell her that his wife died last year of Alzheimer's, how horrible the disease is, & how robbing it is. She kept shaking her head saying " This is bad , this is bad , this disease really is HORRIBLE isn't it ? " Now I'm racking my mind thinking WHY, WHY, WHY on earth would you send THAT letter to her, it broke my heart. I'm miffed, I'm pissed, I could go slap the man ~ then hug him for his loss, but still WHO DOES THAT ? If I was a bear I would be growling right now ! Grrrrr  ~ Z

Her paintings in place, our house is now her home

Well, this wont be interesting to those of you who haven't seen my grandmas special wall hangings your whole life, but for her family, knowing Opal is to know her lovely taste in fine paintings, and wall  decor.This post is for you =)

1. These are her two favorite paintings done by a friend

directly above her antique oak sewing machine, with her collections of pins. She has ALWAYS collected pins, and they are all so ornate & different.

2. These are the two matching pictures of my mom & Aunt in high school, as long as I have been in my grandmas home they have been hung. I love them!

        3. The third is by the same friend & they looked great on either

side of the coke bottle vanity that is in her room.

4. This is the window view directly seen from her bed =)

Enoch got a bird feeder, and Elias & he will paint it,

and put it out so she can see birds while lying there

5. The last pic is her red wall with matching gold and red

drapes, that match the gold and red bed spread. We already had all

of that, but notice on the left her Gold wall sconce

 she has had it forever, and with us hanging one on either side

it looked made for the room! All we need, is red candles with gold swirls =)

Well their you have it her/our home. Today made her VERY happy, and it made me happy as well, by having her pics hanging their it reminded me of visiting her back when she was just grandma, fast walking, sport car driving grandma, I felt as though I got a little of her back today !

The first shower

When my grandma moved here, my mom came as well, so my mom, naturally bathed her. Now that my mom is gone, today I will bathe her for the first time. I have a myriad of feelings, some fear, & some worry that I wont do it right, but mostly I feel bad for her. She still, very much has her mind, that will go slowly, its her body that is failing her faster. I'm stricken with what she might be feeling, how does it feel to be a grown woman, & have someone else bathe you ? Maybe she thinks nothing of it, but she was such an independent woman, is my bathing her a loss to her ? Is this another step on the journey that she will grieve the loss of ? I'm afraid to ask her, in case she hadn't thought of it already I don't want to put my fears into the situation. Anyways weird blog topic I know, but I want to capture all of it. ~ Z

Tours, and dog transformations

So, this is my grandmas Maltese puppy, she weighs approximately 2 pounds & yet she has dubbed herself my grandmas protector. It's rather cute actually she has no sense that nothing about her would bring terror to an intruder, but hey we will enjoy watching her think that. (( DISCLAIMER )) I did NOT cut this dogs hair, it was to my mother & grandmothers horror that they paid money to have their thorough bred Maltese chopped as if a 2 yr old had done it. But with the move, and many things going on she got dirty, and her tears were stained which is common in this breed. Grandma kept saying " poor puppy, poor puppy, you look as though no one cares for you " I decided to open Zaundia's salon, while she was sleeping I brought the dog downstairs, stuck her in a large sink...... much to her dismay, and scrubbed, and scrubbed some more. I went and bought her a rhinestone name tag with the dogs NEW address, and a cute pink collar. Now I could NOT find a little bow, so I had to use an adults bow, but hey you work with what you got( it lasted as long as it took to take the picture ). When grandma woke up you should of seen her smile, she hugged me, & the dog and said " she's white again, she's white again. " And the PINK additions were NOT lost on her, she loved loved loved it. I felt like I had bought her a brand new car, it was a good day ! The dog is white, with a pink collar, grandma is happy, & we finished the day off with a drive around the city so she didn't feel like a visitor, but rather a resident. The nice part about that is,6 she had no need to get out of the car. She remarked the whole drive how green, clean, and how gorgeous Duluth is. After that, I hung her pictures on the wall, letting her know this is HER home. The newly cleaned dog, and grandma went to bed with big smiles, and I find myself having one myself. ~ Z

Tid bits, & special moments

So today their is no REAL topic other than a few stray thoughts, pictures, and moments I wanted to share. I thought why not just post them, all under one !! Here is a picture of our stairs, we have lived here ONE year, and their have never been any plants, but I wanted to brighten it up for grandma. We ended up plantning them the day before she moved here! However today I was struck by the irony that the pots line the stairs that her body can no longer navigate ......

I love this picture ! I was walking past her and she said Z.Z. look here, look how Snow ball ( the dog ) is cuddled between me, and the couch. But don't worry Z.Z. she will like you eventually =) Oh I love my grandma, she felt loved by the dog but didn't want me to feel left out of that love. Then, my favorite moment of the day was was when  I was scurrying around this morning cleaning, getting her meds, and giving her lotion. She grabbed my hand as I was walking by, and looked at me and said " Thank you, I love you so much " Oh how I needed those words, I mean I know she loves me, but it was how she reached out and grabbed me, it was with an intensity & strength that she often is unable to muster. It made it so special, to know that she HAD to tell me in that moment. I need to remember to do the same, to touch her more and tell her the woman she is to me, & how much I love her. Their is something to be said for a verbal exchange, along with a physical act, or touch. I am not very new age but in the Hindu language they use the word Namaste often, in the exchange you have to hold your hands together and slightly nod your head, while saying Namaste to the other person.The word actually means " The Spirit in me, respects the spirit in you" I am not a yogi, or anything other than a Christian for that matter, but in that moment when she grabbed my hand & locked eyes with me, it was so powerful as if to say my spirit, my soul, & my heart respects and loves all that you are. You would of had to have been there. Have any of you had an exchange like that ? I need to work on that in GENERAL, giving more purposeful gestures of Namaste. So on that note tonight my prayer is to love, cherish, honor, and be kind with a profound purpose so that the people I encounter feel the intent of it, that they themselves are drawn aback like I was, and maybe reach inside themselves to want to, & need to go deeper in life, friendships & faith. God is who will help me with this, so I will purposefully pray these things tonight, and thank him for the gift he gave me today.

Papers, papers, and YES more papers

Wow, my mind is still swhirling !! My mother is here for a few days before she takes my son on a whirlwind trip to Washington DC, so this gave us a  mere 2 days to switch over all of my grandmas info to my care. Oh if it were just a letter stating Zaundia is now in charge, but nope not that easy, why would it be ??
The list to do
1. go to Walgreen's set up Hippa permissions, for me to get meds & get info, have the address changed to Duluth, and set up for auto text alerts for her refills .... easy enough
2. Go to Dr. office to get a Minnesota advanced medical care directive, go over it with grandma, try and restrain your emotions as you write that you don't want her to have CPR, and finish the rest of the form, without tears knowing that you just NEED to do this.
3. Call Neurologist to set up consult & give them her med info & insurance info
4. Go BACK to DR. to pick up a DNR & DNI form as well, as give them her insurance info & med info, and make an apt.
5. Drive to Court house, stop in FIVE different offices trying to find where I can get a NEW Power of attorney form, by the fifth office I was near tears. The lady looked at me like I was nuts to be so frazzled over a tiny form.
6. Go to bank to switch signers & beneficiaries only to find out that we can only do that AFTER the Power of attorney has been filled out, which is not legal till we get it notarized.
7. Google all address of old Dr. to fill out medical release forms and mail them.

I'm sure I grew gray hairs in the process, but I got allot done, if it was JUST paperwork it would still be hard but this is someones LIFE ! Decision's of care for her life and death all in my hands ( at least it feels that way )... still cant wrap my mind around it. On a POSITIVE SIDE NOTE  we found a wonderful lady at our church who will come to our house so I don't have to move my grandma, and notarize the forms with witness for free, so we can hand then over to the Dr. on Monday.

You don't understand, I know I didn't! What it looks like, when you look the person you love in the eyes, as your discussing their mortality, knowing that their days are numbered, and you aren't promised anything, none of us are but her for sure, and the quality isn't either, you have to emotionally remove yourself for a moment because it needs to be done, but at the same time you have thoughts running in your mind, of the gravity of it all ! My God this is not just a paper ! This will happen, I know its her wishes but I am the one legally, well Friday legally, to enforce it. God is in control & I know that,but I don't like the control these small papers seem to hold !

I talked with a friend today who is in med school re my grandmas DNR & DNI, he was such a help, and reinforced that these are her wishes and I need to view them as such, he's a wise & compassionate man,he seemed to know the questions, & fears on my mind. I am grateful for him & his wife they know who they are, they have been such great frineds to us, I pray in all this busyness we can be the same to them. Gosh I could write more but I have no more words..... today was tough! I ran around all day with a tear stuck in my throat, and I am going to bed with it still there. Blessings Z

Juggling

Well it was real today! My grandma flew in with one piece of luggage , a walker, and her wheel chair. Now if you think new moms have it tough you should of seen my pitiful attempt to juggle it all. I know it was  pitiful mainly from the looks of passerby's........ the looks of "oh you poor girl" , it made me sick actually. Isn't this what we should do ? Help our elders ? Finally an elderly gentleman who obviously knew the ropes quite well apparantly, showed me how its done. He quickly spread her feet, put the luggage between her legs, showed me how to fold the walker to wear as my backpack, all the while pushing the wheel chair. Woo hoo, I get tired just thinking about it, but mission accomplished ! Its one thing to hear she will need a wheel chair, but it's quit another to navigate doors, restrooms, and inpatient people. Regardless of the small fiasco of tangled metal, it was WONDERFUL to see my grandma, the Alzheimer's may of stole many things, but she still has that glimmer in her eye, the sparkle has faded but it is still there nonetheless , and THAT gives me hope that she IS still in there. The following might be selfish but I'm writing it anyways ! I did cringe when the back seat of my station wagon was filled with a collapsed wheel chair, and a walker, that was supposed to be for my TWIN sons strollers !! How quickly our plans can change. I love my grandma dearly, but I will not say that I don't wish it could be filled with strollers & diaper bags ... signs of life growth, & hope. Not signs of aging, and deterioration, I felt two losses in that moment. The death of my twin sons so sharply & real, and the death of the grandma I knew, the one that used to walk faster than me & drive a little silver sporty car with the top down..... with NO trunk space for any wheel chair, except an occasional golf bag. Dam those metal contraptions & dam death, & deterioration, there I said it. I am MAD. mad as hell with the realization that I / we get to mourn two things. I am however stricken by how much like a baby she is, she is not the baby that was in my womb, but I did tuck her in, changed her, and even checked on her while she lay their sleeping peacefully. These are the moments I am doing this for, the quite glimpses of the woman I admire, the faint fight that she still has, and her peaceful gaze as though she has accepted the fate that I have yet to accept. I will try and focus on those moments of peace for now.

Today is the day

I should be on on my way to the airport, but no. I want to capture all of my thoughts right now. The name of my blog is grace-appears, and its only named that because grace like rain was taken :(
Long story short I LOVE the song ( Grace Like Rain) I find myself listening to it often, in fact at the end of this post I will put the lyrics. This morning as  I was scurrying around making sure everything was tidy for grandma I found myself having the oddest fears. 1. will she accidentally use Elias tooth brush? 2. Will she not want to watch the view with me , its my one stay at home mom guilty pleasure.... forget soap operas the View is it ! 3. am I gong to have to explain that she should wipe front to back and not vice versa to avoid infections, this is a grown woman after all, who by the way change my diapers. 4. But the biggest fear, is my fear of alienation from friends, I love my friends & church so dearly and I don't want to have to choose! ,maybe I am being dramatic and it will all be copacetic, but that's the worst ! I DON'T KNOW how any of it will work , the unknown is always scary but this effects, my son, husband, me, our household, and the outreach I feel God wants me to do in our church. However on a  positive note...... I know at this point you were wondering if their was one =) I met with TWO wonderful woman one, is Lynn who heads up the healing prayer team, if I could legally adopt her as an aunt I would! With our without her permission ;) Her prayer for me was that the Lord would go BEFORE me, man what a truth that I needed to hear, and need to REMIND myself of, we prayed about taking her into our household... not Lynn although nice, but my grandma, so wouldn't it make sense that GOD would go before me?? I need to put that on the fridge, the bathroom you name it, only grandma will prob be confused seeing as how I told her I would put notes on things like cereal pantry, she might wonder whats behind the door that says " The Lord will go before you " that would be pretty cool to open =) The second AWESOME encounter was Jolee W. she recently took care of her mother in-law with Alzheimer's and has to small boys, she reminded me its ok to be mad or frustrated, and that it doesn't make me less of a christian. For some strange reason I thought my blog should be all the triumph & glory of it all, and maybe some time it will, but you know life is REAL, and their will be struggles, So Jolee if you read this THANK YOU!! I should probably go, since she should NOT have to wait at the airport. ~ Z       p.s below is the song

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Chorus:
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Chorus

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

Chorus

Chorus

5 days left

So five days till I pick my gramma up from the airport. Today I am NOT as worried as yesterday, but only because I am stricken by the futility of it, or my efforts to correct it. I woke up from little sleep with a swollen face and pounding jaw ..... yep infected tooth, I had to laugh. Get everything ready, have some time as a family before she gets here, and somehow deal with this, got to love it. I called gramma today and talked with her for 1 hour, we talked about Duluth, and our house, she was very interested and sounded much more at peace like she was ready for the move. We discussed everything from population to the primary ethnicity of Duluth. She was surprised to hear that a town of 80,000 had few african american people but not as suprised as when I told her or house was only 980 square feet ! Monday is coming all to fast, so I best get off the computer and get to work.

6 days left

Just yesterday, I told a friend my grandma was coming in two weeks, I said June 6th and they pointed out that was next week ........ where did May go ? Who knows! All I know is my heart started beating really fast, our lives very shortly were going to change, its a welcome change, a change we all chose, but a big one all the same. In less than a week my grandma will be living with us, with me being her primary caretaker. My porch was still a mess, the guest room wasn't ready, I had laundry to do , the list went on and on. Are we ready ? Am I ready ? Have I talked with my son enough, is he prepared ? I sit their looking at the book ( The 36 hour day ) it's the book I was told to read, the one that would help me with this transition, how am I supposed to read this ? Do I know enough, all these questions & concerns swirl about in my mind, finally my husband says " calm down, its ok ". Wait a minute it is ok, this is my grandma I love her, she loves me she is not moving here because we are perfect, or because I know everything, or that my house is the cleanest on the block, its because she knows she will be loved here, right ? WHOA deep breathe in, and deep breathe out, I can do THAT, I can love her & figure out the rest as we go. At least that's what I am telling myself to calm my nerves. I have so many fears going into this
1. Will we enjoy each other, or will the stress of 24/7 care taking fray our relationship
2. How will my son adapt, will he feel tossed aside, and not cared for
3. And what about the romance in my marriage ? after bathing someone, cleaning all day, & with all the emotional strain will I have room inside of this perfect chaos to be a wife & lover ?
4. What about my friends will my turning down coffee dates & get together cause them to loose interests, or forget me, will I be able to invest in THEM and whats going on in their lives, to be a good friend to them ?
5. Who will take care of me, If I am sick
6. What about my relationship with God, is it ok to say I am a christian but yet in the same breathe list all of these fears
7. What if I don't have the time with her that I think , what if the stress of this big move worsens her Alzheimer's and my son doesn't get to know the woman I love so dearly
8. I pray God takes her in her sleep before she worsens for her sake, She lived a life of dignity I want her to die that way, but what if it is in our room, how will I ever see that room the same way, what if my son is around, will I be able to bring a calm and a peace into the ordeal so my son knows that God is so much bigger than all of this
9. And what about patience, do I have enough, is it enough to love someone , or is more required than what I have

I don't know the answers to any of these, I know God is sovereign, and I know I will be seeking is strength, peace, and love daily. I just pray it is enough!