She called me Susan .....

My grandmas memory, comes & goes like the wind. Some days she tells stories of fond childhood memories, and other days, I repeat the same thing 10 times. It's ok, and I take it in stride, she has Alzheimer's after all. I knew that, and I know as it progresses it will worsen, but I did not expect it to happen so rapidly from just one month ago, to today. It started this week, about once a day, but today she keeps calling me Susan, and even confused the nurses, when she kept referring to me as Susan. Susan is my mother, and although your mind knows " This is apart of the disease Z, get used to it ! " My heart feels somthing different. I spoke with someone who knows about Alzheimer's, and they asked If I look like my mother did, when she was my age, and that may be why, well people seem to think so........ Picture below

But the point is, I'm not ready for her to forget my name, she has always said I am like a daughter to her, but she still calls me by my childhood name " Z.Z. short for Zaundia Zamar. I'm not ready grandma, I am Z.Z. the same one who loves you, listens to you, prays for you, and cares for you.

My son overheard me telling my mom this, so he came up to me , and said " Mom she does know your name !" I said Elias what do you mean ? " Well, I just asked her what my mothers name was, and she said Z.Z. Mom, why is that bad ? Well honey,  her memory is getting worse. Well how come she has tons of cool stories? " Honey it comes, and goes. " Mom, why does it make you sad ? " Elias, you know I love you right ? " Yes. " What if you came to me tomorrow, and I called you George ? " Well I think I would faint ! Why haven't you fainted mom? " God honey, God. I said do you want to pray with me Elias ? " God please help grandma Opal remember things, and please help my mom know that grandma knows her name, Amen. "

What can you say ? I don't know what to feel really, but God does keep me from " fainting " :) And I have a son whom I love very much, he knows my name, and I know his, but what I will rely on most in this is that God knows my name. Someday if you read this Elias, know that I love you so much, their is not a word in the dictionary for what I feel for you .