Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What to say ?
This week has been hard, I don't so much know what to verbally say, but rather Physically EXHALE. This week was filled with ups, & downs. People will ask me, " Oh, I thought you said she was fine ? " but what they don't realize, and frankly neither did I going into this, is that old age, coupled with Alzheimer's disease, changes you from day to day. Hell, I am still wrapping my mind around what thevmorning will hold. This week we did her Will, it needed to be done while she's of sound mind, but who wants to do that ? Not me ! To face your mortality with a pen & paper seems cold, but necessary . She was so glad when we finished it, with all family members agreeing, infact, she laid down and said " Now I feel like it's all ready, I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm ready, and I can be at peace. " I wanted to say " ready for what, listen here grandma, just because we did your will does NOT mean any of us are ready, for you to die, give up, or be relieved, you name it ! I knew that's not what she meant. It was my own fear that wanted to say those things, but I held the pen detailing her final wishes for her demise,and I am the one to find the lawyer to put it in stone, but I don't want her to die, I don't want her rocking chair! I want her. Yes I sound 3, and truthfully I love her so much, that my prayer is that she goes peacefully in the night, but not now, my son is getting to know, and love her. I'm seeing glimpses of MY grandma, the advice that comes with wisdom & age. So between the will, falling down, falling BP, severe headaches, and her short term memory worsening, I say " not now grandma, not now." Yes God is in control, but my prayer is God not now, give her more fight, give her your grace, and have it fall on our household, because God I'm not ready to let go of this woman you put in my life.
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ZZ, I can so relate to your feelings. The ups and downs, the ins and outs...all you can do is trust the Lord. Know that His timing is perfect. When it's your Grandma's time to go, it will be right and perfect. Maybe not always what we want, but God is sovereign and good.
ReplyDeleteI have finally come to that place in my life where I just thank God that He knows when the right time is. I too have said, all I want is time with my Mom. I don't care about her money. I would rather have her than an inheritance. Of course, I would like both, but God knows that that's the truth. I love my Mom so very much, just like you love your Grandma.
I am praying that she still has more time as well for your sake, Elias', and your Grandma's...maybe even Enoch's. Who knows? I know it has to be hard. You see and feel the feelings so deeply. I have a big lump in my throat as I write and tears could spill out at any point right now. When you love deeply, you ache deeply. But would you have it any other way? Not me. You will have such precious memories and few regrets. You are giving your grandmother such a precious gift, I could just hug you forever. To be in such a loving environment right now, what more could she ask!
ZZ, trust the Lord. He brought her there to your home for soooo many reasons, some of which you won't know for a while. Just know that He says, "My grace is sufficient for thee." His timing is perfect. He won't take her until it's the RIGHT time.
I love you so much even though I'm just getting to know you through your postings. The love of God oozes out of you sister! He is well pleased with you. When you can give out of your own pain, that is God's love all around!
Blessings and much love,
Linda