Juggling

Well it was real today! My grandma flew in with one piece of luggage , a walker, and her wheel chair. Now if you think new moms have it tough you should of seen my pitiful attempt to juggle it all. I know it was  pitiful mainly from the looks of passerby's........ the looks of "oh you poor girl" , it made me sick actually. Isn't this what we should do ? Help our elders ? Finally an elderly gentleman who obviously knew the ropes quite well apparantly, showed me how its done. He quickly spread her feet, put the luggage between her legs, showed me how to fold the walker to wear as my backpack, all the while pushing the wheel chair. Woo hoo, I get tired just thinking about it, but mission accomplished ! Its one thing to hear she will need a wheel chair, but it's quit another to navigate doors, restrooms, and inpatient people. Regardless of the small fiasco of tangled metal, it was WONDERFUL to see my grandma, the Alzheimer's may of stole many things, but she still has that glimmer in her eye, the sparkle has faded but it is still there nonetheless , and THAT gives me hope that she IS still in there. The following might be selfish but I'm writing it anyways ! I did cringe when the back seat of my station wagon was filled with a collapsed wheel chair, and a walker, that was supposed to be for my TWIN sons strollers !! How quickly our plans can change. I love my grandma dearly, but I will not say that I don't wish it could be filled with strollers & diaper bags ... signs of life growth, & hope. Not signs of aging, and deterioration, I felt two losses in that moment. The death of my twin sons so sharply & real, and the death of the grandma I knew, the one that used to walk faster than me & drive a little silver sporty car with the top down..... with NO trunk space for any wheel chair, except an occasional golf bag. Dam those metal contraptions & dam death, & deterioration, there I said it. I am MAD. mad as hell with the realization that I / we get to mourn two things. I am however stricken by how much like a baby she is, she is not the baby that was in my womb, but I did tuck her in, changed her, and even checked on her while she lay their sleeping peacefully. These are the moments I am doing this for, the quite glimpses of the woman I admire, the faint fight that she still has, and her peaceful gaze as though she has accepted the fate that I have yet to accept. I will try and focus on those moments of peace for now.