A very special moment

As many of you know, we lost our twins sons Ezekiel, and Lucas 3 moths ago. It was hard to navigate that with my grandma, for as long as I remember she had been my confidant, my listening ear, the one that would tell me it would all be ok. However as her disease has progressed, I have been very careful to not worry her, becasue it upsets her. Example, once when she called I had horrible Bronchitis, and I couldnt hide the coughing, she was INSTANTLY worried, but I told a white lie, and said " Oh it's, only allergies " which instantly made her feel better. So when my mother told her we had lost the babys, I of course got calls daily from her. I would see the phone ring, pause, brace myself, and put a smile on my face ...... as if that would somehow be seen through the phone. Now I would never lie during that time, I was just selective, so when she asked me how I was doing, I would say " Oh grandma, I have such an AMAZING support system, and Im really relying on my faith, and am reminded daily of the blessing that my son is ! " Now that was the truth, however I chose to leave out the part that night after night I was sobbing with an intensity that I couldnt even from the words, all I could do was cry or moan. And that my heart and womb ached for what had been lost, dreams nightly of the men I would never know, a full thanksgiving table that wouldnt be. So when I did tell her these positive things she would say " Oh honey, thank you, I NEEDED to hear that, Im glad your ok. " And so this whent on for weeks, her calling, me putting on my brave face, all the while desperatley wanting to just sob, and tell her all about it, and have my grandma from 10 years ago back, the one that would assure me and tell me it would all be ok. But I didnt, I thought being a good grandaughter is not giving her added worry that she does NOT need. So yesterday I was caught off guard, becasue ussually her questions are general, such as " How are you doing today " , and they are over the phone so you can mask your true responses. (( Im going to put the exact dialogue so I will only put "" marks when shes talking.)) " Z.Z. , can you come over here for a moment, I want to ask you a question. " Sure grandma ABSOLUTLEY , but then I notice her intense gaze, and I wonder what this is about. " I have noticed in your scrapbooking room you have things lining the walls, and stacked high, but you have one place under your window empty, why " Ok, so Im thinking should I tell her, where will this end up, if I get teary I wont be able to hide it. But their was somthing differant she was leaning in close and gazing very intently at me with a very DIRECT question. Well grandma, we bought this house, after we lost our son Matthew, and it was really hard to stare at an empty room when we all knew what could of/ should of filled it. My counselor encouraged me to make the room into somthing so it wouldnt be a constant reminder of what I DONT have. " Thats wise, your very smart to get counseling " ( side note she used to be a school counselor ) " But you still havnt told me why you have one wall empty ? " Well grandma I was fine fillling the room, but I wanted to make space for my hope so that wall will remain empty leaving room for a crib. " That makes sense, it is important to keep those hopes we have alive, isnt it ?" " On that note I cant help but notice how well you have done, you lost your babys a few months back but your so peacful, at least from what I have seen. " " Do you have moments, when you arent, now be honest with me " UH-OH be honest ?? How honest ? What happened to being a good grandaughter means sparing her from hurting for me ? But this was not somthing I could hide, she was still intently looking at me, as if she was trying to read my heart , and soul. Grandma no, I am not always like this, their are days like today when I have a rough patch. " Really what happeneed today ?" Starting to well up with tears at this moment, trying to not break down into full blown sobs. Grandma I whent to TJ Max, and I passed by a diaper bag, the PERFECT diaper bag ! I had been looking for one, days before , well actually THE day before I lost the baby, and I couldnt find the right one, I wanted a pretty one " she smiles " I wanted one that could pass for a purse. And today I FOUND THE ONE ! It was normally $ 150.00 high end bag down to 59.00 it was leather with flowers. " So what did you do with it " I stood their and cried silently trying to hide it from other customers clenching it thinking that it SHOULD be mine, I should be needing it soon very soon but instead I didnt. I wanted to buy it anyways! " So why didnt you ? " Well their is a fine line between buying things for my hope , and dream, and moving on and saying " next time ". See grandma I have alot of stuff . " What do you mean ?" I have a hope box of baby things I have bought along the way, and maybe if the bag had been $ 30.00 I would of bought it, but I decided I had better wait, not smart without a job to buy somthing you dont NEED. " So then what did you do ? I dried my tears and marched my way over to the purse area, and bought myself a sparkly $14.00 purse ! =) " See thats why your so peacful ! " Hey wait a minute what ?? Crying, and loosing it over a diaper bag at TJ MAX is peacful- of course thougth in my head didnt say that part out loud. " Z.Z. you could of continued to cry, and ran out of the store, but instead you put your chin up & got a purse " " See I think youve figured it out, it hasnt been easy but watching you, I can see youve found a way to live & move on in a peacful manner " Thank you grandma ! I love you ! " I love you to, I ALWAYS have. " Z.Z. , you mentioned a hope box, do you mind if I see it ? " ( At this point my cards are on the table shes seen the tears, and shes not visibly bothered so I decided to show her ) Sure grandma, just a second. I put it on the table , and she just smiled, she said "I notice its all pink "~ said with a wink. Yeah grandma running theme their huh ? =) She pulls them out ever so gingerley first the little beaded size 2 mini pink ballet shouse fit for a princess, her smiles getting bigger and more frequent, then my garage sale fine of a smocked pink frilly thing. she turns to me, and said " You know I always knew you wanted a baby, that was obviouse , but I guess I NEVER knew HOW much it meant to you. " This really is a hope, and dream for you isnt it ? Yes grandma it is, I also feel its a promise in my heart, I dont know what more I need to go through to get their but I will, I know it will happen. " I think its great, Im glad that wall is empty, and I am so glad you shared your box of hope with me. " " I dont know why this keeps happening to you, but I know your a good gal, and you are really lucky with this kiddo you have here. " " I think after listening to you I think it will happen for you too, just keep your head up youve done great, and jsut keep that peace. " Thank you grandma. " Isnt it nice to talk about it ?" Yeah it was nice, sorry about the tears grandma. " Honey it's ok we all need to from time to time, the point is is you go forward, and that what your doing.  I willl NEVER forget this conversation as long as I live. And since I talked about that stupid tear inducing bag I am posting a pic below , SILLY SILLY ~ Z