Escapes

Well it's been tough, and it's not looking up. I returned from my 4 day trip to L.A to hear from my hubby that grandma was talking about Don Cumley again. It is really interesting actually, every time she slips with her cognition it is always marked by memories of Don, and it always involves a fear that De, and Susan (my mom) are off with him, and his new wife. It really got me to wondering if Alzheimer's is like dreams. It's often been an idea that our dreams are way of showing us unresolved situations, and or emotions. So what if Alzheimer's does the same thing, and when her mind slips those unresolved emotions are brought to the for front ? It really got me to thinking if that is so, then what would my dementia look like if I had Alzheimer's.... for me since I have not reconciled why I am loosing baby after baby, I imagine if I don't find peace with it my days would be filled asking people where all my baby's are, and why they left. Avery sad thought, but a thought process nonetheless. What if we all asked ourselves that ? You know I have always made my decision's by asking myself what will I regret when I'm 90 ? For instance, every time I loose another baby, and the Dr. offers a glimmer f hope, Enoch and I ask each other " Can we do this again? Or should we just walk away ?" And inevitability we both come to the conclusion that at 90 we would only regret not trying again, rather than think oh we tried to much. Well maybe this should be another guide post in our self examination " What have I not resolved within my heart, and soul, that if left dorm it would haunt my mind when I am older?" Maybe I am over thinking it, but I just cant help shake how real and founded her fears are- if he was still alive. She calls these her "escapes" she will ask me why Susan is with her dad, I explain that he is dead, and she comes back and says " oh honey, thank you for reminding me, I just have these escapes, and they feel so real." A troubling scenario whether real or imagined is still troubling.