Lightening, Christmas bells, & tears

I don't really know how to begin writing this since it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. These past two weeks have been very hard ! It feels like part f a lifetime was squeezed into such a small time frame, bur only because things came full circle in such a short period of time. Two weeks go my grandma was diagnosed with " features " of Parkinson's . That morning was horrible, grandma was told not only that the shaking wouldn't go away, but that it may worsen. Seeing the look on her face of complete helplessness was gut wrenching. I'll stop right here to say I might be repeating myself from prior blogs, to be honest I don't know what emotions, or feelings I've written before, all I know is that as I feel them I write them, and I can only imagine that this journey will stir up many of these emotions frequently. That day I thought could not get any worse, only it did..... Much worse. Later that day grandma became severely disoriented. She accused me of things, became angry, and it happened so quickly I really had no clue what Was happening. That night grandma was up saying she was entertainig people, and talking about the depression. My husband looked at me at 4:00am and said " I thought Alzheimer's was a progressive disease ? But their is NOTHING progressive about this. This morning she was normal and right now he is not." The following morning she looked so tired, and said " Z.Z. Help me find the plug for the radio, I can't turn it off !" grandma their is no radio, " Well I don't mind the talking, but the music is bothering me, so please help me find the plug. " grandma you were dreaming, their is not a radio in your room, their never was. She looks at me and she comes back for a moment and says very intently " I'm loosing it arent I ? " at this point I made an appt. With the Dr. Something was not right. This was a very dark time for me, I say God have her go in your timing, but those few days showed m that I did not mean that. I wanted more time with her, not more time with Alzhimers but more time with HER, my grandma ! I was not ready to have this disease take her mind. This disease infuriates me because your fighting an invisible enemy. If a robber came to your house, you'd have a very tangible thing to ran after with a bat, all the while yelling " get out, you don't belong here, this is NOT your property! " Well that's how I feel, I want to run after this invisible assailant and tell it it's not welcome here ! Luckily the Dr. Appt showed she had an infection that worsens Alzheimer's, and completely throws them off. The Dr. Turned to me and said " You'll have your grandma back in 48-72 hrs, antibiotics will help a lot. " whew I was so relieved, and sure enough as the antibiotic did it's job, my grandma came back slowly, but it was so hard, because I had a glimpse into what the future might bring as this disease progresses. So now we are dealing with Lightening, & Christmas Bells, let me explain. Grandma is very good at explaining what her pain is like, she is very descriptive, & it helps, it helps me to know how best to care for her, and the nurses understand what she means every time. Right now she is dealing with horrible headaches which feel like " lightening is striking in my head. " and she fell on her bottom, and sprained her muscle in her bottom, and the muscle hurts very bad, and after pain medicine feels like " Christmas bells, are ringing, & causes the pain to echo. " And as for the tears ? Surprisingly, and thankfully they are not hers, but mine. Its hard, really hard I don't know how to have my heart open so much to love her, and care for her in the way she needs, and deserves with ought feeling such pain for what she's going through, an loosing bit by bit. Hopefully I will find the balance. I just know I love her so much, and God is in control, beyond that their are no more answers, even though I still look for them.