The year is at an end, & one that I wouldn't choose.

Tonight I start this blog through eyes filled with tears, often you hear the term 'misty eyed' this is not the case. The word 'misty' portrays a subtle tone of lightness, this is not that, this is heavy tears so thick I can barely see the screen. So then, why choose to write now, during this moment? Because I wanted to post to Facebok some deep, & depressing post about how this year is not ending how it should have! I want to lash out, & share my anger with everybody, but lately I have tried to edit my all to visible emotions. You know,save those for a quiet prayer with God, but I want to say it, I want it out of my head & heart, and on paper. I'm mad, I'm angry at how this year is ending. Yes, I love having grandma here, & I love the time with her, however not a month goes by that I'm not painfully aware of who should be in that room. Our home should be filled with children at year end. Three sons, filled with life, & hopes of a future. But instead we have my grandma, & her house guest 'Alzhiemers'. I don't look at her & see the promise of a bright future, I look and I see pain, confusion, & sighns of loss, so much loss. This is why I want to get it out, even as I write it it seems to contradict itself. I love grandma, but hate her disease. I am glad she is here, but wish we didn't have the room for her! I love looking in her eyes, but hate what I often find there. A walking contradiction I am. I just want my baby's back, I just want to hold them, & be able to dream of their futures. My heart aches in a way that no words comes close. I find myself mad at friends, & family for not saying what I want them to say. I want someone to grab my arm and say "Zaundia, I'm sorry! This is shitty! I'm angry this year ended the way it did. Im mad I didn't get to experience your twins life with you. I'm angry for you!!" I want people to stop being so damm nice, & reserved. I want someone to be livid with me, cry with me, shake their fist with me. So what does this post have to do with Alzhiemers ? Everything, & nothing.