Her fall, my weakness

I am so glad I have this blog, its a journal of sorts. Last night was so hard, I am still reallying from it. I woke up to go to the bathroom around 1:00am in the morning, then SMASH, I ran upstairs hoping Elias fell out of his low bed like he has in the past, but no it was grandma she was laying on the floor with her head against the wall, she looks at me oddly because all I had was underwear on, because the house was so hot. I rush to her, and she says " These hose made me slip on the wood floor." Ugh, these are the new TED stockings I bought her per the Dr. orders for her falling orthostatic BP, why did I forget to take them off ?! I'm kicking myself internally while I am picking her up. At this point she couldn't shoulder any of her weight, and I do have a Hernia, but in moments like that you do what you need to do, I pick her up and lay her on the bed. I immediately checked for battle signs, they show up with head traumas" nice part of being a first responder years ago" luckily she had none, but when I pull my hand away from her head I felt it, then I look and sure enough its blood flowing out of her head. Remarkably she is not in pain, and about this time Enoch finally makes his way upstairs, by that time I was on the phone to 911, she wasn't in pain but why mess around with it? To be honest nothing really was mulling in my head at that point, I was just in a mode of lets get her to the hospital. Its now 1:30am shes doing fine, and I finally see the lights, no siren but just lights, the fire department, and ambulance were at my house. Now if you have seen the size of my house, or her bedroom for that matter, you'd realize that having 7 large men in her room suddenly makes you closter phobic. I was very confused, I told them about the metal rod in her neck, but yet they wanted her to walk to the gurney. I stopped them and told them I wanted her in C spine precaution. They didn't roll their eyes they simply said " good idea " good idea ? seriously? You are the professionals ! They grab a collar, place it on her neck, and decide that her 110 lb frame is small enough to carry to the gurney that is on the porch. Grandma says, " I feel like a baby" of course this with a smile. I know she likes attention, but Id prefer her not to have the attention of emergency personal ever again. I decided to follow them in the car, that is when the thoughts came, I'm alone following this ambulance, and all I could think was, what if shes coding in there and I don't know, maybe I should of gone in the ambulance, what if this is worst then we thought, what if, what if. Then I realized they didn't have their sirens on, and as long as it remained that way she was perfectly stable in the ambulance. Once in the ER grandma, is joking and being her feisty self. The Dr. walks in and ask " Opal, how did you fall?" She winks at him and says " Why, playing ball of course!" We all got a chuckle from that. She then proceeds to tell him that we chose the ambulance because " When in doubt, check it out." The Dr. agreed with that sentiment, and said it had enough of a ring to it that he thought he'd use that in the future. They wheeled her into a cat scan, and once back they showed me the back of her head, and said that it bleed so much because of her Aspirin, and the cut was so small no stitches were needed. Seeing the blood stream dried down the back of her head caused me to pause. The nurse left, grandma fell asleep, and the room kept getting smaller , and smaller, it got really hot, so hot I wanted to take of my shirt. Then I saw blood like that dried stream, down my ankle, the inside of my right ankle. I knew what was happening so I left the room and asked the male nurse to show me where I could go outside, He led me away but I started to hyper ventilate, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I had a collard shirt on, but I didn't, my pulse sped up, and I felt weak at the knees. The nurse grabbed me, and he took me into a room explaining this isn't your fault, you need to breathe. He kept saying shes ok, this isn't your fault. It took me a good 3 minutes of gasping for air before I could tell him that I was having acute PTSD. This was the first time in a hospital room since I lost the twins. It was all coming back, when I saw the pattern of the way the blood had ran down her head it was the same pattern of blood I remember all to clearly running down the inside of my leg that morning in the hospital parking lot. He understood now, grabbed the Dr's attention because he wanted me seen. I start to come out of it, and all I could think was " you weak weak woman, your grandma is in their after a fall, and your in here crying." The Dr. didn't come in yet, I was able to stop crying and stoicly go back to her room. Luckily she was still asleep, she got to miss this display of tears. The Dr. walks into the room and says no, no please come back into the other room. I left the room with him, like a disobedient child staring at my feet. We go into the room, and we start to talk, and it all comes back, ugh something is choking me again, I see the blood on my ankle, wait no not my blood, but yes my blood just like the morning in the parking ramp, every sensation of that day came back, I could literally recall the feeling in my underwear, the fear, the pain, everything.The Dr. just sat there with me, slowly I came back, I was able to breathe better, the room got bigger again, it wasn't so hot. He looked at me and said " Listen I can tell your a very strong woman, but unfortunately you cant change the past, and I cant either. This is a lot, when you go home just process it." He assured me grandma was ok, and CT Scan was fine, I could go home. Wow that was a lot of emotion, then to just be told everything is fine, go home. I walked back in her room, still feeling ashamed that I wasn't as strong as she needed me to be, hugged her and told her we got to go home. Luckily she had mostly slept so she will probably never know about me, in the other room.Today I am still reeling, grandma is resting, a bit sore but much better than she could be. And I'm, well I am not doing so good, last night was hard, really hard. It opened so many emotions, ripped the scabs off of some of the wounds. Thank God for his grace and strength, I am going to need it, grandma needs it too.