Escapes

Well it's been tough, and it's not looking up. I returned from my 4 day trip to L.A to hear from my hubby that grandma was talking about Don Cumley again. It is really interesting actually, every time she slips with her cognition it is always marked by memories of Don, and it always involves a fear that De, and Susan (my mom) are off with him, and his new wife. It really got me to wondering if Alzheimer's is like dreams. It's often been an idea that our dreams are way of showing us unresolved situations, and or emotions. So what if Alzheimer's does the same thing, and when her mind slips those unresolved emotions are brought to the for front ? It really got me to thinking if that is so, then what would my dementia look like if I had Alzheimer's.... for me since I have not reconciled why I am loosing baby after baby, I imagine if I don't find peace with it my days would be filled asking people where all my baby's are, and why they left. Avery sad thought, but a thought process nonetheless. What if we all asked ourselves that ? You know I have always made my decision's by asking myself what will I regret when I'm 90 ? For instance, every time I loose another baby, and the Dr. offers a glimmer f hope, Enoch and I ask each other " Can we do this again? Or should we just walk away ?" And inevitability we both come to the conclusion that at 90 we would only regret not trying again, rather than think oh we tried to much. Well maybe this should be another guide post in our self examination " What have I not resolved within my heart, and soul, that if left dorm it would haunt my mind when I am older?" Maybe I am over thinking it, but I just cant help shake how real and founded her fears are- if he was still alive. She calls these her "escapes" she will ask me why Susan is with her dad, I explain that he is dead, and she comes back and says " oh honey, thank you for reminding me, I just have these escapes, and they feel so real." A troubling scenario whether real or imagined is still troubling.

My first time away

So tommorow I fly out to my cousins wedding with my son. I am excited, and I KNOW my grandma will be well taken care of, but I cant shake this new mom feeling ! I remember the first time I spent overnight away from my son when he was a toddler, and all the feelings, thought, and fears swarmed my head. " Will he understand why I am gone, and not at home with him, will he be ok with me being gone this long, did I leave all the info for the person watching him, oh did I get out EVERYTHING he needed ? " It whent on, and on so I was rather surprised to find  I am having the exact same feelings with my grandma. It logically makes sense that I would think those things, but its still hard to wrap my mind around feeling them for my 89 year old grandma who changed my diapers at one point. When did this happen ?

The words you don't want to hear

It happened again, my grandma woke up talking to people who went there, getting angry at things that simply were not happening, and talking about Don again as if he were alive. I didn't get as alarmed this time, after all last time it was due to an infection, surly she had an infection again, it had to be. The day progressed last Wed and it worsened, it wasn't a " moment " of dimentia, it was the whole day and into the night. The nurse came over, and took a urine sample, and the Dr. Prescribed antibiotics until the test came back. Simple as 123, infect early the next morning she was herself again, and I marveled at how fast this new antibiotic worked. And then it happened around 3:00pm in the afternoon the Dr. Called and said the results were back, and " she did NOT have an infection. "?you would think that's what you would want to hear, but not so ...... This meant that the 24hrs of dimentia was not due to anything other than her disease, their is no miracle pill, no antibiotic that will ( take it away )this was simply another part of this horrid disease. I literally felt like someone had socked me. The Dr. Said that it could of been so bad due to her pain, or the pain killers, and that it's not uncommon for someone to have a block of dimentia like that, for 2hrs, 4 hrs, or even 24hrs. In that moment I got incredibly angry, angry at everything that had to do with this thief of a disease. I thought of the movie " The Notebook " and how they romanticized it. Their is nothing pretty, or Hollywood about it ! One moment I have my grandma, and the next I don't. I ended up walking outside to sit on the step, I needed fresh air, and I thought about death, and aging, a fear came over me. I'm a Christian, and I believe in heaven but in those moments it angered me just the thought of how you can die in an instant without warning, or you can die slowly falling apart bit by bit. I thought about the twins we lost this year, and how it felt to fight something you can't see, the futility of knowing that no matter what I did what would be would be, and how I was feeling that same futility again. No pill, no treatment, it's just the way it is, whether I like it or not.

Lightening, Christmas bells, & tears

I don't really know how to begin writing this since it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. These past two weeks have been very hard ! It feels like part f a lifetime was squeezed into such a small time frame, bur only because things came full circle in such a short period of time. Two weeks go my grandma was diagnosed with " features " of Parkinson's . That morning was horrible, grandma was told not only that the shaking wouldn't go away, but that it may worsen. Seeing the look on her face of complete helplessness was gut wrenching. I'll stop right here to say I might be repeating myself from prior blogs, to be honest I don't know what emotions, or feelings I've written before, all I know is that as I feel them I write them, and I can only imagine that this journey will stir up many of these emotions frequently. That day I thought could not get any worse, only it did..... Much worse. Later that day grandma became severely disoriented. She accused me of things, became angry, and it happened so quickly I really had no clue what Was happening. That night grandma was up saying she was entertainig people, and talking about the depression. My husband looked at me at 4:00am and said " I thought Alzheimer's was a progressive disease ? But their is NOTHING progressive about this. This morning she was normal and right now he is not." The following morning she looked so tired, and said " Z.Z. Help me find the plug for the radio, I can't turn it off !" grandma their is no radio, " Well I don't mind the talking, but the music is bothering me, so please help me find the plug. " grandma you were dreaming, their is not a radio in your room, their never was. She looks at me and she comes back for a moment and says very intently " I'm loosing it arent I ? " at this point I made an appt. With the Dr. Something was not right. This was a very dark time for me, I say God have her go in your timing, but those few days showed m that I did not mean that. I wanted more time with her, not more time with Alzhimers but more time with HER, my grandma ! I was not ready to have this disease take her mind. This disease infuriates me because your fighting an invisible enemy. If a robber came to your house, you'd have a very tangible thing to ran after with a bat, all the while yelling " get out, you don't belong here, this is NOT your property! " Well that's how I feel, I want to run after this invisible assailant and tell it it's not welcome here ! Luckily the Dr. Appt showed she had an infection that worsens Alzheimer's, and completely throws them off. The Dr. Turned to me and said " You'll have your grandma back in 48-72 hrs, antibiotics will help a lot. " whew I was so relieved, and sure enough as the antibiotic did it's job, my grandma came back slowly, but it was so hard, because I had a glimpse into what the future might bring as this disease progresses. So now we are dealing with Lightening, & Christmas Bells, let me explain. Grandma is very good at explaining what her pain is like, she is very descriptive, & it helps, it helps me to know how best to care for her, and the nurses understand what she means every time. Right now she is dealing with horrible headaches which feel like " lightening is striking in my head. " and she fell on her bottom, and sprained her muscle in her bottom, and the muscle hurts very bad, and after pain medicine feels like " Christmas bells, are ringing, & causes the pain to echo. " And as for the tears ? Surprisingly, and thankfully they are not hers, but mine. Its hard, really hard I don't know how to have my heart open so much to love her, and care for her in the way she needs, and deserves with ought feeling such pain for what she's going through, an loosing bit by bit. Hopefully I will find the balance. I just know I love her so much, and God is in control, beyond that their are no more answers, even though I still look for them.