Fragmented

My grandma is not doing well, her stats are all over the place, & I have noticed a huge decline in mental clarity during this time. I hope the clarity returns, once she gets better, but it may not. I have a new friend, who has been such a blessing to me, as not only do I truly enjoy her company, but she too was a mother to small kids, & took care of her mother in law who had Alzheimer's , she has shared so many helpful things, but once she told me how her mom in law would " fragment " her. So she would ask her, " Where is the nice lady who cooks for me ? " or " Where is the lady who does my hair ? " I told my friend my grandma was not near that stage, she was VERY with it. Oh how things change so quickly. She has begun to fragment me, & my marriage. The hard part, is it jumps back to reality in a split second. EXAMPLE - Today she says " That couple that was here this morning are such a good couple, they work so well together. " grandma what couple ? " The ones here early in the morning. " oh you mean that couple ( finger pointed to a picture of Enoch & I ) " Yes that couple. " my heart plunged, no not now, I'm here, but then back to being lucid she says " You and your husband are ready for any strife, I can tell. " you mean ( life ) " No, you both care for each other, you can tell your prepared for any strife that comes your way. " then suddenly she starts to talk about her ex husband, and shared how sad she was that they couldn't make it. I said grandma, that must be sad, but look what came from that love ( pointing to the pictures of my mom, & aunt ) she smiled, and said that's true. I said you can regret situations, but you can never regret loving someone grandma. She smiled & said " just don't ever flip your middle finger, at your spouse & tell them you don't care. There that's it from me, no more marriage advice from me. " I'm racking my brain, sorting Dimentia from her, thinking what of that was my grandma ? I guess no one can tell me for sure, for the mind is a funny, yet cruel thing, so I just took away from it what I could. 1. She recognizes, Enoch's & my love, & senses it's strength. 2. She saddened over the loss of her love. 3. She doesn't want it to happen to me so she's saying don't ever ( figuratively flip the bird ) to someone you love. I hope tomorrow she is better, & I'm not the lady on the wall. But if so, the person sitting next to her KNOWS her, & loves her regardless of who I am to her in that moment.

Grandma, no more tears

Grandma, the past few days have been rough, fainting, and horrible headaches that you don't understand, or deserve. I gave you your strong pain killer, but you refused to lay down, because you don't like that your body is defying you. I understand it more than you know, I saw the tear you tried to hide before I gave you your medication, and that is ok I see a woman who is amazing, and strong, not weak like you fear we see you. You are sleeping now because the couch that you sit on as a stubborn statement to your ailments is actually a recliner, I pulled the lever, so you now lay sleeping, feet propped up. Ive kissed your head, and I swear I saw you smile, and in my office I turned on my praise music, since you were sad you could not go to church. The first song on my playlist was " Their will be a day " by Jeremy Camp, I walked back in to make sure its not to loud for you, and you look so at peace, the tears gone, your dignity intact, because after all you are NOT in bed, and you have a slight smile on your face. I love you, we will get through this, God carrys us.

PS Grandma it's ok to lay down in the morning, you are still you, fighting off this stripping disease.

I love you ~ Z.Z.

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel youre walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul dont lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty thats in store
Outweighs the hurt of lifes sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I cant wait until that day where the very one
Ive lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that Ive faced
To touch the scars O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

She called me Susan .....

My grandmas memory, comes & goes like the wind. Some days she tells stories of fond childhood memories, and other days, I repeat the same thing 10 times. It's ok, and I take it in stride, she has Alzheimer's after all. I knew that, and I know as it progresses it will worsen, but I did not expect it to happen so rapidly from just one month ago, to today. It started this week, about once a day, but today she keeps calling me Susan, and even confused the nurses, when she kept referring to me as Susan. Susan is my mother, and although your mind knows " This is apart of the disease Z, get used to it ! " My heart feels somthing different. I spoke with someone who knows about Alzheimer's, and they asked If I look like my mother did, when she was my age, and that may be why, well people seem to think so........ Picture below

But the point is, I'm not ready for her to forget my name, she has always said I am like a daughter to her, but she still calls me by my childhood name " Z.Z. short for Zaundia Zamar. I'm not ready grandma, I am Z.Z. the same one who loves you, listens to you, prays for you, and cares for you.

My son overheard me telling my mom this, so he came up to me , and said " Mom she does know your name !" I said Elias what do you mean ? " Well, I just asked her what my mothers name was, and she said Z.Z. Mom, why is that bad ? Well honey,  her memory is getting worse. Well how come she has tons of cool stories? " Honey it comes, and goes. " Mom, why does it make you sad ? " Elias, you know I love you right ? " Yes. " What if you came to me tomorrow, and I called you George ? " Well I think I would faint ! Why haven't you fainted mom? " God honey, God. I said do you want to pray with me Elias ? " God please help grandma Opal remember things, and please help my mom know that grandma knows her name, Amen. "

What can you say ? I don't know what to feel really, but God does keep me from " fainting " :) And I have a son whom I love very much, he knows my name, and I know his, but what I will rely on most in this is that God knows my name. Someday if you read this Elias, know that I love you so much, their is not a word in the dictionary for what I feel for you .

What to say ?

This week has been hard, I don't so much know what to verbally say, but rather Physically EXHALE. This week was filled with ups, & downs. People will ask me, " Oh, I thought you said she was fine ? " but what they don't realize, and frankly neither did I going into this, is that old age, coupled with Alzheimer's disease, changes you from day to day. Hell, I am still wrapping my mind around what thevmorning will hold. This week we did her Will, it needed to be done while she's of sound mind, but who wants to do that ? Not me ! To face your mortality with a pen & paper seems cold, but necessary . She was so glad when we finished it, with all family members agreeing, infact, she laid down and said " Now I feel like it's all ready, I'm so relieved, I feel like I'm ready, and I can be at peace. " I wanted to say " ready for what, listen here grandma, just because we did your will does NOT mean any of us are ready, for you to die, give up, or be relieved, you name it ! I knew that's not what she meant. It was my own fear that wanted to say those things, but I held the pen detailing her final wishes for her demise,and I am the one to find the lawyer to put it in stone, but I don't want her to die, I don't want her rocking chair! I want her. Yes I sound 3, and truthfully I love her so much, that my prayer is that she goes peacefully in the night, but not now, my son is getting to know, and love her. I'm seeing glimpses of MY grandma, the advice that comes with wisdom & age. So between the will, falling down, falling BP, severe headaches, and her short term memory worsening, I say " not now grandma, not now." Yes God is in control, but my prayer is God not now, give her more fight, give her your grace, and have it fall on our household, because God I'm not ready to let go of this woman you put in my life.

" Grandma, do you know what a Eskimo kiss is ? "

My son, is very much into his personal boundaries, he always has, and we have chosen to encourage it, and respect it. He is fine with a kiss, but only on the cheek. And I am fine with that as well, but I like to look at his eyes, so I long ago showed him the " Eskimo kiss " where you look someone in the face, and rub noses.
One evening, I gave him one before bed, he looks over at grandma, and says " Grandma do you want an Eskimo kiss ? "  " Well I don't know, what is an Eskimo kiss ? " " It's when I rub noses with you, instead of kiss you on the lips."  '" Well ok, I will have your Eskimo kiss ( said with a smile ). "

I often think of him as my little Angel, but the window light, just seemed to agree with me that day =)

" You can cry in your heart, but a Ball game, is a Ball game ! "

Ok first a disclaimer

Its the morning of the 4th of July, and yes the house is a mess, because I'm deep in a sowing project, and were just having fun !

Ok, I don't even know how to write this blog, because it isn't so much a conversation, as much as a game of bad mitten, with good advice, and interesting interactions, so bare with me =). First I have to say that my son is a SORE loser. It's a trait that Enoch, and I have BOTH worked on, and had hoped little league in the past would improve his sportsmanship, but in Kindergarten I found the coaches, to be glorified enablers. Not really looking to teach your 6 yr old a life lesson. So here is my grandma, P.E coach, who's husband taught college sports, giving my son a lesson that he has yet to get from us. Game begins, first swing of the Birdie, and she returns it....... oh here it is, his face starts to pout, and he starts complaining. In her listen hear arm movement, she gives him some good advice, but before i give the dialogue you must see the pic of her arm gesture ready for her, to lecture  my son =)

So, the hand is here and in a coach's voice of stern direction she says " Listen here young man, you can cry in you heart, but a Ball game is a Ball game. And if this were a game Id bench you for that kind of face. So are you ready to play ball like a big boy ? " He stands up and says ok. ( REALLY ) We cant get him to do that but my 89 yr old grandma can ? I think its great, but I'm am still baffled. Ok another picture below.

So now, with his game face on, he serves the Birdie, with every bit of confidence. But my grandma hits it back, and hes unable to keep it in play. So he apparently kind of learned his lesson, because his face is appropriate from grandmas instruction, but he starts his pity party dance complete with the flopping of his legs, and arms. grandma gets his attention " Listen hear, now come and look in my eyes. Your opponent will know your off your game if you start standing like that. What you do, is you get back in the game, and stand like a Bull ! It's all in the stance, now go get em " So he gets his stance of the bull =) and sure enough he serves the Birdie, and grandma failed to return it. But grandma following her own advice says " See I told you, get your composure, get your stance, and your ready to beat anybody ! So the game is now 9-11 in Elias favor, he says uh oh that worries me, your getting to close to my score. Grandma says " You should be worried, cuz here comes the tiger ! " a few swings later the game ends, Grandma wins Elias was a bit sad, but he did walk taller, and with good sportsmanship gave grandma a high five.

PRICELSS

" Isn't it great to have a man around the house. "

I wish I had a picture of my grandma , and my husband together, but I don't as of yet. Soon though, soon. A little back story first. My grandma is divorced, it happened in her fifty's, and not of her choosing. I don't think she regretted it, but she has always valued the role a man has in the home. My mother is divorced, and my aunt was as well, but now re married. So when I married my husband she said " Try and keep him Z.Z., having a man around, just changes the dynamic for the better. " I should also mention that my grandma has always been beautiful, and never re married. She had the occasional boyfriend but nothing ever came of it. Which I think saddened her a bit. Some woman are born recognizing the need for a man, others are not. My grandma falls into the first category.
When she first moved in with us, I was intent on her liking Enoch, and vice versa. I know that this arrangement in our home would NOT work if that did not happen. Soooooo I helped stack the deck a bit =) Two examples. 1; Grandma was very bothered that the TV had broke, and she asked me EVERY 30 minutes when we could fix it, but I couldn't figure it out. Enoch woke up early the next morning to try and fix it, but to no avail. I tried once more, and Walla ! Fixed ! So I told him to go tell gramma he fixed the TV, Enoch said " But you did. " I told him no worries, it will make her happy. So sure enough he walks in, and says " Hi grandma, guess what, you have a working TV today." She gives him a hug, then a high five, and looks at me and says " ZZ isn't it GREAT to have a man around the house ! " 2; Enoch loves to fish, and much to his dismay, I HATE eating fish, so the poor hunter and gatherer, is met at home with slain animals in hand, with a wife, who has a look of disdain on her face. Poor Enoch ( insert violin musoc here ). So he asked grandma " Do you like fish ? " Grandma said " Oh I LOVE fish! " And their it began, the beginning of my husbands love for my grandma, well not really because he has a heart of gold, but if you had seen his face, you'd think his expression would of come with its own background music ! " Good Grandma, cuz I'm going fishin today, and I WONT come back till we have dinner." So he gets back, and says " Honey I don't know what to do, I didn't catch any fish, but my friend gave me two of his, what should I tell her?" Me still wanting things to go great, I say " Hey you told her you'd have fish for dinner, just tell her you caught them. " UH -OH, he walks in and says " Grandma look what I caught us for dinner! " And then it happened. she started into song, not figuratively, but LITERALLY, with a low 1940's voice sang " Isn't it great to have a man around the house, Isn't it great to have a man around the house. " Very cute, especially if you heard it, but now hes looking at me like ( Now you ? ) When Enoch and I got alone he was still very high on the fact he was just sung about, I said listen honey I love you dearly, but enjoy this while you have it, because you will not find me singing that song to you anytime soon !
So the two have gotten along famously, she is the Grandma he always longed for, and well, he's the man of the house. She said to me the other day, " Z.Z is it weird to just enjoy watching your family ? " I asked her what she meant. " Well the whole thing, you all hugging before he goes off to work, the little squirt being carried by his dad, and you making dinner, just all of it. " No grandma that's not weird, family is a great thing. " You know your blessed don't you ? I just think every boy needs a dad, and you got a great one right there. " Am I jealous ? No I am not, because somehow, it took my 89 year old grandma with Alzheimer's to point out just how much, I am blessed, and quote how great it is to  " Have a man around the house. " ~ Z

PS. I am still maintaining , that I will not sing of his glory any time soon, but I will respect, love, and appreciate him  =)

You can't go wrong, with a name like Ella !

I have a wonderful friend, who has possibly the cutest little girl you have ever seen, both in character, and her sweet smiles. My friend had to drop something off at the house, and she brought her daughter with her. Her daughters name is Ella, I had completely forgotten that my grandmas only sister was named  Ella. Mostly because she seldom talks about her to me. But boy oh boy, did my grandmas eyes light up when she saw this little girl, then even brighter when she heard her name! She turned to me, and said " My sisters name was Ella, you don't hear it often, but you can't go wrong with a name like Ella ! " She continued to watch her play with the dog, and of course make her little smiles. It was a quick trip, but that 10 minute visit opened up many memories, that my grandma had never shared. So I would say we were BOTH blessed by little Ella's visit. After they left she had a smile but a distant gaze, as if reminiscing something. I asked her about her sister, and she said " I loved my sister, but I felt bad for her as well." I asked why. She said " Well I was the youngest, and my sister was born the second child out of six, and for some reason no matter how hard she worked it never seamed to make Dad happy. I wouldn't say he hated her, but it was as though nothing she ever did, was good enough. And when I was born I was very sickly for years, and my sister had to pick up the slack. It was her job to take care of Opal, and do my chores. You would of thought she resented me for it, but she didn't, and that's why I had so much respect for her. She loved me, I always felt it." Her sister is gone now, but I have always heard story's of her five brothers, but not so much of Ella so it was nice to have a quick glimpse into the love shared between them. I walked away with aloft of respect for for her sister, to know that what you do is never good enough, and to do your sisters chores, but  never take it out on her, and still show compassion, and love. That is a great thing, and a great sister. These small glimpses into her life are wonderful. So thank you to the 2 yr old, cute as a button Ella for allowing this brief moment of a time long gone by. ~ Z

Sorry, been lying down after two leg surgerys, so your about to get 5 blog post in ONE day ! Got to catch up though before I forget =)