Trying to explain it...

I learned something today. It is not a new idea, or notion, and not singular to me. Only it hit home so deep inside my heart, that my whole being wanted to cry, and not a sad cry, but one of peace, relief, & understanding. I don't quite have all the right words, but I want to capture it, so bare with me. Enoch, & I have one son, and have lost eight. In the last two pregnancies, the Dr's had prescribed a blood thinner called (Heparin) thinking this was the issue because of a lab result, & other long details, but my point is that I had to inject this into my stomach two times daily. Now I have had to inject Insulin, & the little pinch of the needle was nothing, however the blood thinner stung, it hurts so bad. And the hardest part? Actually injecting yourself. You are not set up to choose pain, it goes against every natural instinct, yet when we love either someone or an ideal we are ok with it. Every shot left a bruise about 2-3 inches in radius, & after a while you run out of non bruised areas, so your injecting something painful into pain. { I promise I'm getting somewhere with this} Once Elias saw me inject myself, because I didn't know he was behind me, he was horrified, and asked me why I was hurting myself on purpose? I explained that his twin siblings were being helped by it, and because I wanted them to live, and grow I did it. He then asked me if I had done it with him, and I said no. Somehow knowing that I didn't have to "hurt" while pregnant with him, made him relieved, and happy. Now for the hard part, and I know I've shared this with friends, but the "really" hard part is not injecting yourself because in that moment you see the big picture, you are enduring a bit of pain so that nine months from then, you can experience a joy that will supersede it all! How many times do we get to see that big picture? Oh we have all heard it, in the condolences from a friend, to a desktop calendar. In one way or another we believe that any amount of suffering whether it by small like a stomach covered in bruises, or larger like the loss of a loved one, that something of good will cone from it. So for me that "really" hard part was when I felt the pain, only I didn't, or couldn't see the bigger picture. I remember a day in the weeks following the loss of our twin sons, that I looked at the yellowing bruises in disgust! Why? Why did I endure the pain then not the joy after? Sure I felt this inside but somehow that physical reminder was an insult, a smack in the face of everything I tried to hold on to. Friends, I deem myself Christian, I pray, and ask God that if my pain could help just one grieving mother some day, that I would be ok. Sure I wouldn't have chosen to loose so many precious humming heartbeats, but I could reconcile it in my soul. Friends would remind me of that opportunity, and I understood it, but in a distant way. Now, I jump to caring for grandma. Is it different? Oh yes. But did something in this experience with her change my way of thinking? Yes, & I hope it's a forever change. You see, at the end of my grandma's life I didn't have 'lifts' I had her, the wheel chair, the bed, & me. When she needed to be lichen into bed I would do it. I didn't consciously think anything other than " My grandma is tired, and wants to lay down. She can't stand so I will move her." It never hurt then, but after I would feel it, the twinges in my back, the ache from a hernia, and once again bruises. But again, I was willing, and able to go through it because I saw the big picture. By me doing this, she stayed in our home. That is what she wanted, I wanted, and what I felt was right. She died two weeks ago, it's not an unforeseen 'tragic' loss, but it's still loss, & it's still hard. I noticed last week that familiar reminder, bruises - on my arms, & legs. Ugh. Another physical reminder I had to look at on my body, reminding me of someone I missed. Last night, I spent in prayer. I was reading scriptures, psalms, & asking God to allow all my loss to change me. Oddly enough I had never prayed that, in fact I'm even embarrassed to admit it. Sure I prayed and asked God to use those chapters, and the pain for good. And even recently after hearing for the umpteenth time that I would be "having a new season" for God to show me a glimpse of it. Only he hadn't. I had been begging God, for a week now "Lord, show me a glimpse, just a tiny moment of when all this pain will be used. Show me the joy at the end of it, please!" Again, no vision of it. I was tired, angry, & nearing becoming resentful. So, last night rather than asking God to show me his plan of how he could use that pain, I simply asked him to change me. This morning, I was in severe pain. My back, my abdomen, you name it. I was in so much pain it felt like my body was being rung like a rag. I got out of bed, and looked down. There it was, the last bruise, yellowish and faint. Only I didn't cringe, I didn't ask God "How will you use this?" I wasn't a hopeful mother seeing the pain, feeling it but also seeing the promise of joy. I saw no glimpse of how he would use it, I actually thanked God for the time I had with me grandma. I saw what it had meant to have her in our home, how my family will be forever changed by it, and I trusted God to heal my pain. That's when that moment hit me that shared at the beginning. It was like a long awaited answer to a painful question. My soul was quieted, and I cried, just cried. Do I think we have to have pain to fully experience the joy that comes after seeing his plan? I don't know,in my feeble attempt in understanding God's sovereignty I don't think pain, loss, is ever his plan for us. However, I also know that when you walk through pain, or loss of ANY kind God can, and WILL use it if you let him. It's that word 'let' that got me. I walked through the pain, and in one hand knew that God would use it, but in the other demanded to see how. I do have friends who have asked God to show them how their pain works into a bigger part of a grander picture, and God has shown them. So I'm not saying don't ask, ask God if your walking through something hard, but also allow God to completely change you. Loss changes you, pain changes you, but God will too.