Alzhimers has made me forget too.

Well, it has been far to long since my last update. A friend asked me about this in fact. She noticed it had been two months since the last post. I thought no, that can't be. I love to blog, and I always make sure to capture the special moments, don't I? This bothered me, two months? Come to think of it, I have had no inspiration, or desire to even write about grandma. A few weeks had passed since this revelation, and it hit me. I had become her caretaker. Somehow I had forgotten how to be her granddaughter. Now don't get me wrong, I had been warned that this could happen,I heard it, and even understood it on a mental level, but surely this didn't apply to me. I'm her granddaughter, the one who she took to Mexico in summertime, the one who called her daily. It seems not even a special bond like ours is immune to the slow erosion that the combination of care taking, and Alzhiemers can cause. But why is that? Is it the repetition? I bathe her, change her diapers, dress her, prepare her meals, and tuck her in at night to name a few. But isn't that what mothers do as well? Yet they don't stop being a mom and just become a simple care taker. I sit here racking my brain, how is this different? I have yet to hear one of my friends who has an infant say "You know, with all this bathing and changing, I don't feel like a mom." After thinking about it, and studying the differences it hit me. It lies within the interaction. When your a mother, yes you do all those things but you look into the eyes of that child, and you see life, and interaction. They look at you with
arms stretched out, and in those moments you see who they are becoming, who God has created
them to be. You see their future. This is the answer to my question, this is what make me her
caretaker. When continually caring for her, I don't see those things in her eyes. Every once in a while the woman I love so dearly peaks out through the shadow we call Alzhiemers, and for that moment I am her granddaughter, nothing more, nothing less. So what now? I was warned, I
recognize what's happening, and I have 3-4 more months with her. Will it be spent being her
caretaker, or her granddaughter? I choose the later! Alzhiemers has taken many things, but
this, this is my choice. Is it easy? No it's not, but I am counting on the grace of God to bridge the gap for me. I have been asking the Lord daily that he give me those granddaughter
eyes again. That it doesn't remain a routine without meaningful exchanges. This is my prayer.
And my hope, is that my friends, and family will stand with me in this, because I miss my
grandma. Not the 94lb shell with glassy eyes that always have a question lingering in them,
but the woman who helped raise me, the picture of who I wanted to be, who always told me "It
will all be ok".