The year is at an end, & one that I wouldn't choose.

Tonight I start this blog through eyes filled with tears, often you hear the term 'misty eyed' this is not the case. The word 'misty' portrays a subtle tone of lightness, this is not that, this is heavy tears so thick I can barely see the screen. So then, why choose to write now, during this moment? Because I wanted to post to Facebok some deep, & depressing post about how this year is not ending how it should have! I want to lash out, & share my anger with everybody, but lately I have tried to edit my all to visible emotions. You know,save those for a quiet prayer with God, but I want to say it, I want it out of my head & heart, and on paper. I'm mad, I'm angry at how this year is ending. Yes, I love having grandma here, & I love the time with her, however not a month goes by that I'm not painfully aware of who should be in that room. Our home should be filled with children at year end. Three sons, filled with life, & hopes of a future. But instead we have my grandma, & her house guest 'Alzhiemers'. I don't look at her & see the promise of a bright future, I look and I see pain, confusion, & sighns of loss, so much loss. This is why I want to get it out, even as I write it it seems to contradict itself. I love grandma, but hate her disease. I am glad she is here, but wish we didn't have the room for her! I love looking in her eyes, but hate what I often find there. A walking contradiction I am. I just want my baby's back, I just want to hold them, & be able to dream of their futures. My heart aches in a way that no words comes close. I find myself mad at friends, & family for not saying what I want them to say. I want someone to grab my arm and say "Zaundia, I'm sorry! This is shitty! I'm angry this year ended the way it did. Im mad I didn't get to experience your twins life with you. I'm angry for you!!" I want people to stop being so damm nice, & reserved. I want someone to be livid with me, cry with me, shake their fist with me. So what does this post have to do with Alzhiemers ? Everything, & nothing.

Alzheimer's threw somthing at me last night....

Well, I say Alzheimer's, because I refuse to say that my grandma, threw something, and hit me last night. My mind knows it was the disease, in fact I had read that it can happen, but it catches you off guard when it first happens, because your looking at this familiar person, the person you love, yet you know it is not them. My grandma was refusing her medication, this was a first as well, she was scowling at me, and saying "Why should I listen to you, you are not my Dr!' I tried everything. I had my mom call her, and try to reason with her........ you can not reason with a disease. Then I called the nurse on call, and she said to deliver them at the other end, which is near impossible when she wont let you give her a hug, much less go that route! So at last, I had come up with an idea. If it was a Dr. she wanted,  it was a Dr. she would get. I called my sissy explained what I needed her to do, and soon Grandma's phone rang. I answered it in front of grandma, and said " Oh hi, Dr. Nelson, Opal? Oh yes she is here, just a minute." I handed the phone to grandma, where my sister pretended to be the Dr. explaining that she had sent her nurse (me) with her medication, and it was important she take it. After TWO full hours filled with things thrown, a hand raised, and my patience at its end, she got off the phone, and asked me kindly for her meds. She then proceeded to take them as if she had wanted to all along. You might wonder why are meds so important, just skip it if it becomes such a fight. Well when she has severe delusions if you don't give her certain meds she will stay awake all night talking to people who are not there, sleep the next day, and before you know it, nights turn into days, and days into nights. I am still reeling from it, my mind knows it was not her, yet my heart hurts so much. I hate the vacant look in her eyes, the distant behavior, and her ability to be so cold to me. It's a grief cycle of it's own. I just wanted a hug all day today, to be told it would be ok, to be reassured that it wasn't all for nothing. That she knows deep inside how much I love her, and what she means to me. What God is giving me the grace to do. So, if you can just say a prayer for her, and I, and this situation. For grace, patience, and a understandng that superseeds the reality that seems to be.

Give Freely, Love Deeply: Feeling a bit lost.....

Give Freely, Love Deeply: Feeling a bit lost.....: Today, I discovered that I got a 'D' on a quiz. I have been struggling with school due to all my responsibilities, but overall I am getting ...