The Business of Being 30: Creative Memories

The Business of Being 30: Creative Memories: I wanted to just do a post on Face book.... but surprise, surprise it was to long winded! I am really excited to announce that I am now a C...

"Help me"

Two nights ago, was the hardest night we have had since grandma came to live with us. I woke up to the words "Help me" I thought for a moment she must have fallen, but how can than be because I would of heard her? I ran upstairs, and there she was lying on the bed saying "Help me". I put my hand on her forehead, and rubbed her hair back (this always calms her) I asked her what was wrong, and she said "Mexicans are coming, and I think they typically burn women, the white men over there are looking away I don't think they will stop them." I assured her everything was fine and there were no people after her. I decided to sleep upstairs on the couch, as I typically do when she has bad nights. As soon as I layed down the whole process repeated itself. By the fourth time, I decided to try something new and sleep next to her. I crawled into bed, and rubbed her head. This motion calms me too for some reason. I put my palms gently on her forehead near her brow down, then I gently move my hand back till it fully pulls her hair back-till about mid head, I repeat this motion over and over. I notice her breathing changes, and she feels soothed. The reason I do it is, I pray over her mind daily, and this is a way of laying my hands on the area while praying. Once laying in bed she stopped calling for help, but she continued to be worried, and hold conversations. I would rub her head reassure her, and she would stop. This process would continue for about two hours, fortunately it became longer and longer in between each time I stroked her head. I felt Alzheimer's in a whole new way that night. I cant explain it adequately but it is as if I was in a room with ghosts. I lay there in the dark praying against these unseen people who tormented her. I knew they were not real, and yet for a moment I think I glimpsed the fear she must feel. I had this feeling that if I opened my eyes maybe I would see a ghost, someone there waiting to harm us. So I just prayed, and kept my eyes shut hoping against hope that these people real or imagined would go away. It was about four in the morning by now, and grandma was quiet, but she had rolled over towards me and held onto my arm. This seemed to calm her. At five I went to my own bed, then awoke at six to start the day. I found myself experiencing a feeling I hadn't quite felt before, at least not this strong. I wished that the Lord would take her. I saw first hand the demons this disease brings, and the fear that settles in the mind. I wanted peace for her, I want peace for her, so in that moment I prayed that God would take her, and that she would be surrounded by Angels instead. It is now two days since, and my selfishness has resumed and I am recanting what I prayed, and asking God for more time. The truth is, I find comfort in knowing that God is going to do what he does in his time, not mine. She is in his hands, and he will take her when he says its time not when i do. I love her so much, and I do pray that we never have a night like that again. For someone who has all their mental facilities such as myself i was horrified, even though I knew it wasn't real. Lord hear my prayer, for all that I have ever asked you, and trusted even when it was not answered, please give her peace.

The 36-hour day "Dementia"

I am going through the book (The 36-hour day)for a second time. I read through it very quickly when my grandma first came to live with us prior to "really" understanding what Alzheimer's is. Each topic, I will explain, and compare it to what we see with my grandma.
One of the greatest descriptions that I have seen is the following on p.g. 2 "Often, Mary was afraid, a nameless, shapeless fear. Her impaired mind could not put a name or an explanation to her fear. People came, memories came, and then they slipped away. She could not tell what was reality and what was memory of people past." This rings so true, it's as if they stole the words from my lips, only I did not know how to form them so I know they are not my own. This is one of the more painful scenarios of "Dimentia" it comes, and goes without warning, so you live with a constant fear never quite knowing what to expect. One thing it does not mention, is that the caregiver holds this same fear. As with many diseases, it oes not just affect the person diagnosed with it, but rather the family, and care giver as well. This fear is often the thing that keeps me from a restful sleep. When I go to bed I never know if that night will be the one that brings memories from long ago, or brings an uneasy feeling that causes her to stay awake as if on guard against a masked enemy.

Works cited: The 36-hour day by Nancy L.Mace, & Peter V. Rabins

Walk To End Alzhiemer's

This was our first walk to support this cause. It felt right, and needed. Alzheimer's needs both funds, and an increased awareness. Aids has more than SIX times the funding, and yet more people die from this disease than with Aids. I have to admit, that even I was in the dark as to what this disease is capable of, until my grandma came to live with us. Typically when you think of Alz, you are brought to a mental image of the Hollywood film "The Notebook", or of a commercial that shows an elderly person simply being forgetful. Oh if only this disease was only that. What you don't see is how much the victim's of this disease are tormented with visions, of things that simply are not real. Imagine you have one of your nightmares, where people are chasing you, and yelling at you. Luckily you can wake up in a sweat and realize that it isn't really happening, but with Alz that waking up in a sweat more often than not, does not happen. Many nights my grandma is both confused, and bothered by people, and scenarios that although are not real- are very real to her. It is hard on her, and hard to witness as the person who loves her.

I sat down with my grandma this morning before the walk, and we had a great talk. She asked me what inspired me to do this walk, and I told her she did. We hugged and cried together. Those moments although special are very hard, because she is aware enough to know what is happening, and to understand what is lost, or about to be lost. But she is a fighter, and a woman of faith, and that inspires me to be both as well. In a quieter moment, she held my hand after the walk and asked " Honey, is this disease contagious?" I told her NO, she squeezed my hand and said "Oh thank God." I knew in that moment she was expressing that she didn't want us to go through this. I love my grandma very much, and am grateful for this time of caring for her. I thank God for her daily, and was glad our family could walk to fight this ! Here are some more pictures. Also, I thank God for my husband, he has been a rock to me in this period of transition, it was a joy to walk together side by side....... with our quicker, wonderful boy a few steps ahead!