Just yesterday, I told a friend my grandma was coming in two weeks, I said June 6th and they pointed out that was next week ........ where did May go ? Who knows! All I know is my heart started beating really fast, our lives very shortly were going to change, its a welcome change, a change we all chose, but a big one all the same. In less than a week my grandma will be living with us, with me being her primary caretaker. My porch was still a mess, the guest room wasn't ready, I had laundry to do , the list went on and on. Are we ready ? Am I ready ? Have I talked with my son enough, is he prepared ? I sit their looking at the book ( The 36 hour day ) it's the book I was told to read, the one that would help me with this transition, how am I supposed to read this ? Do I know enough, all these questions & concerns swirl about in my mind, finally my husband says " calm down, its ok ". Wait a minute it is ok, this is my grandma I love her, she loves me she is not moving here because we are perfect, or because I know everything, or that my house is the cleanest on the block, its because she knows she will be loved here, right ? WHOA deep breathe in, and deep breathe out, I can do THAT, I can love her & figure out the rest as we go. At least that's what I am telling myself to calm my nerves. I have so many fears going into this
1. Will we enjoy each other, or will the stress of 24/7 care taking fray our relationship
2. How will my son adapt, will he feel tossed aside, and not cared for
3. And what about the romance in my marriage ? after bathing someone, cleaning all day, & with all the emotional strain will I have room inside of this perfect chaos to be a wife & lover ?
4. What about my friends will my turning down coffee dates & get together cause them to loose interests, or forget me, will I be able to invest in THEM and whats going on in their lives, to be a good friend to them ?
5. Who will take care of me, If I am sick
6. What about my relationship with God, is it ok to say I am a christian but yet in the same breathe list all of these fears
7. What if I don't have the time with her that I think , what if the stress of this big move worsens her Alzheimer's and my son doesn't get to know the woman I love so dearly
8. I pray God takes her in her sleep before she worsens for her sake, She lived a life of dignity I want her to die that way, but what if it is in our room, how will I ever see that room the same way, what if my son is around, will I be able to bring a calm and a peace into the ordeal so my son knows that God is so much bigger than all of this
9. And what about patience, do I have enough, is it enough to love someone , or is more required than what I have
I don't know the answers to any of these, I know God is sovereign, and I know I will be seeking is strength, peace, and love daily. I just pray it is enough!
